the parenting paradox

When I was in high school, I went to see the musical version of the movie Big (yes – they made that Tom Hanks movie into a musical).  It’s not an entirely memorable show, but one number stuck with me. It’s called “Stop, Time” and it’s a song that a mother sings about her sadness in regards to her child growing older. Even as a teenager, I was aware that this song was touching on a profound pain of the human experience, and I remember stifling loud sobs in the theater for the duration of the ballad.  Here’s the part that gets me every time:

Nobody warns you of this parent's paradox
You want your kid to change and grow
But when he does, another child you've just begun to know
Leaves forever
Birthdays fly - 7, 8, 9, 10
Every kid he becomes you clutch and say "Stop, time"
Hold this one fast
But it's not supposed to last
And that time has come and passed
For he's growing
And he has to go

I’m really feeling this parenting paradox at this stage of our lives. It’s tough because it feels like we are on the precipice of a new stage that I’m very much looking forward to.  We are no longer dependent on sippy cups or bottles. Three of the four can sit in boosters instead of car seats.  Two of them can swim safely well enough that I’m not paranoid about them drowning at the pool. They can all pour their own cereal, dress themselves, brush their own teeth, strap themselves into the car.  And the biggest hurdle is so close I can almost taste it: Karis will soon be out of diapers.  Oh what a joyous day that will be.  I have had a child in diapers for the last seven years.  I CANNOT WAIT to graduate from that one.  She is also slowly dropping her afternoon nap, which is another big milestone. For the last seven years, my days have revolved around a nap schedule.  The thought of planning each day without regard for a two-hour stint at home in the middle of the afternoon?  How liberating.

Mark and I frequently talk about the things we will be able to do more easily once the kids are just a bit bigger.  Go on longer road trips. Take family bike rides. Go kayaking. Travel more  SLEEP IN. There are many aspects of our pre-kids life that we are hoping to pick back up once these kids are just a bit bigger, so we are often looking forward to that time with some eagerness and anticipation.

And yet . . .

Getting to that stage means giving up so much.  I love that Karis is moving past the baby stage, but I hate that our long evening cuddles are gone – shunned in favor of laying in bed with her favorite picture books. I miss some of the aspects of having a baby, and many of the adorably cute aspects of her current stage will be replaced when she crosses over into the more autonomous stage that we’re looking forward to.

There are so many ways I want to be less needed by the kids.  I want them to gain independence and I want to transition into a phase that is less caretaking and more fun. At the same time, there is such a bittersweet sadness to being less needed by my kids.

I feel like Mark and I are living in this constant angsty tension – wanting so much for this hard phase to be over, simultaneously feeling so wistful and guilty that we are wishing it away, and then immediately grieving each stage as soon as it has past.  It seems like we are constantly sandwiched between a hope for an easier stage, and a regret that the harder stage has passed.

I suppose the solution to this parent paradox is true for life in general. . . the trick is learning how to be content in each given moment, without dwelling on the future OR the past.  I’m doing my best to try to live in the moment and celebrate each phase of life my kids are in.  But oh, it’s hard not to look back. And it’s hard not to look ahead.

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what I want you to know: the loneliness of having a spouse with a chronic health disability

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. This guest post is by an anonymous reader.

For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health. We have lived all of these in our almost 19 years of marriage. We’ve loved each other from the time we met in high school. Our relationship was fun, we were friends and then we became family.

Health has been a struggle for my husband for the last 15 years or so. He began having neck pain, which kept him laid up and unavailable many days until he finally had neck fusion. He was on the mend after that and our life moved on.
A few years later his lower back began to hurt. Once again, he was laid up and in chronic pain. Two unsuccessful surgeries were performed on his back that just allowed the pain to return with a vengeance, until I drove him to the hospital and refused to bring him home until they fixed him. His lower back was fused. Again, my husband was laid up, in pain, and not emotionally available. This time it was for months. Add to that the financial pressures I faced managing with minimal income and three children. He healed, and we were in the clear for a while.

Chronic headaches began to be a regular part of his every day. My husband began to lose his spark, but God bless him, if it’s all he did in a day, he got up and put on a good face for work in order to take care of us. After taking a spill while playing with the kids one day in the yard, he suddenly began to have neck pain again and this time it began to extend down his arm. More endless weeks of a husband in pain, irritable, and unavailable were to follow. Guess where we found ourselves next? Surgery. Another fusion in his neck. More time of recovery and living without my partner and my love.
During this time we had been in the process of adopting three children from foster care that had been in our extended family for the past few years. My husband continued to mend, but was never fully himself again, at least not at home, and not to me. The bright spot was that we finally completed our adoption in 2011, and though the headaches were often, his back was feeling good.

Within months of the adoption, my husband began to have distortions in his vision that were becoming increasingly pronounced. He had actually had some problems with spots on his retinas in the past, but no one seemed to know what it was, and he just learned to adapt, but now it was beginning to affect his days and he began to have eye pain. He was finally diagnosed with a disease called Stargardt’s disease. He will slowly lose his vision to the point where he won’t be able to drive anymore, and he will probably be considered legally blind.

You would think at first that my concern would be that he won’t be able to work anymore or be dependent on me, but it’s not that at all. What I want you to know about having a spouse with a chronic health challenge or disability is that it is lonely, and it is all consuming.

It’s really so many of the little things that are taken away much more than the obvious ones. At times it feels almost like I’ve lost him, but he’s still here- because it has changed him tremendously. I have my faith that tells me God will work all things for good, and I believe that, but hanging on until the good is the challenge.

I miss my husband looking in my eyes and really seeing me. I miss small non-verbal cues from across a room. I cringe every time I hold something up to show him or point something out and realize I’m asking him to see what he can’t. I’m sad that I never hear him laugh anymore, and that his calm gentle spirit has been replaced by a troubled, agitated one. I grieve when he is in pain I can feel but am helpless to take away. I anguish each time I see him push himself out the door to work because he wants to continue to serve God and us, but all his body wants to do is close his eyes and sleep. I get angry that he is once again lying down and I am exhausted from single parenting. Again. Then I get angry at myself because it’s not his fault or choice. People will say to go do something nice for myself, take care of myself and I’ll feel better, but nothing can replace what I am missing but a God who comforts and heals.

What I want you to know about having a spouse with a chronic health challenge or disability is that we need your prayers, encouragement, and friendship. When you listen to us vent our grief, fatigue or frustrations, please hear us. Reassure us that it’s ok to have those feelings because we often feel guilty for them. I find it hard to switch to social situations where I’m just supposed to enjoy myself because I’m so used to being on duty, but the last thing I want to do is dump on you so I put on a strong face. Love our children and invest in them where you can because they often step in at home and invest in the family more than the average kid, and they need that encouragement, too. Lastly, offer us your presence. We are often running a family alone.

summer giveaway: win a month’s supply of gogo squeez applesauce

I’m happy to announce that I’ve got a great giveaway from GoGo squeeZ, perfect for summer outings.  In case you haven’t tried it, GoGo squeeZ is a squeezable, 100% fruit, no-sugar added apple­sauce snack. My kids are huge fans, and it really is the perfect healthy, portable snack. They’ve added a new flavor this month (apple  mango!) and last month came out with some fun new packaging.

My kids tried the new flavor, and approved.



You can also check out some of the following ways to get involved in GoGo squeeZ’s “Pass the Play” campaign, with the goal of bringing the joy of play to those who need it most across the country. Email community@gogosqueez.com to request a “Pass the Play” ball and play the largest game of catch. 10,000 kick balls are being distributed nationwide, so people can enjoy the simple goodness of play and then pass that play to someone they know that needs some play in their life. Everyone will be entered to win fun prizes by tracking the kick balls at www.PassthePlay.com.



Also, if you tweet #passtheplay, $1 will be donated to The Fresh Air Fund with the goal of raising $25,000, which will allow more inner-city boys and girls to participate in programs that can change the course of a child’s life.  You can also visit a “Pass the Play” mobile playground, which is visiting 10 cities across the country, including Atlanta, Nashville, Chicago, LA, San Francisco and LA.. You can find all of the stops for the “Pass the Play” mobile playground by visiting www.PassthePlay.com.

To enter to win a month’s supply of GoGo squeeZ, leave a comment below and then ENTER YOUR INFO IN THE RAFFLECOPTER WIDGET.  If it's not showing up, click on the title of this post to refresh.  You can follow RATM and GoGoSqueez on facebook for additional entries. Good luck! a Rafflecopter giveaway

that’s what SHE said: happiness and extremism, that Gotye song, dealing with haters, figuring out what you want, downward mobility, and more . . .

click on the title to read the full story

An Open Letter To “Somebody That I Used To Know” | Thought Catalog

I got so nervous when I started to feel differently, when the hair on my arms didn’t shoot toward the sky every time I heard your voice. I was driving the coast, on my way up to LA when I noticed it for the first time: You were on the radio. Which, we talked about, I know: about how it’d probably happen, how you were too good not to blow up, how you’d probably be busy on weekends once the gigs started rolling in, but it still caught me off guard when I heard it because that sunken ship in my stomach gave everything away.

Extremism is Easier than Being Happy in Real Life | In Pursuit of Happiness

We are living our values within the confines of real life.  As someone who has fairly recently dropped out of and then back into “real life”, I can say with confidence that it is a hell of a lot harder to be intentional as a “regular” person. The pressure to conform is everywhere and the landscape is slashed with deeply worn ruts of tradition and normalcy. Living intentionally among mainstream society means constantly having to define and defend your values, even to yourself. It can be exhausting. It’s tempting to fall into the nearest groove and let yourself be carried away for a while on the current of commonplace.
I understand now why people join communes, cults, and convents.

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog | rete, koute

We all come to Haiti the first time knowing one thing; Haiti is poor.  Somehow our minds must assume poor means stupid.  We further disempower the poor when we hold that attitude. Poverty means disempowerment and a lack of freedom to reach full potential. We can unknowingly be a part of adding to that system. The poor are already trapped in deep, complex interactions of social, political, economic, religious, and cultural systems.

Downward Mobility | Shaun Groves

But where are those people called by God to step down, leave behind, earn less, influence fewer, to follow? Does God only call His Son to downward mobility? Or does God call me downward too and I fail to recognize His voice because it sounds too backward?

How to figure out what you want | Helen Jane

The best thing about figuring out what you want, is that it’s fun.
Take 15 minutes today, focus on what you really want. Write it down. Cross it off if you decide you don’t want it, add in more if you want more. Make another list of everything you don’t want.

On a Journey | Alli Worthington

I feared that I would one day look back on my life and see the trappings of modern success and regret that I hadn’t embraced more adventure and lived with more meaning. Could life  really be best spent worried about the latest Social Media tool, playground politics and what’s coming on TV? I was running through the days, going through the motions, and that busyness was beginning to lead to an overwhelmingly depressing feeling of emptiness. It was time to wean myself from my steady diet of distractions.

5 reasons your child should be friends with someone who has special needs | OC Moms: The Mom Blog

It’s hard to accept something you know very little about and that’s especially true for young children. Having a buddy with special needs will allow your child to accept that being different doesn’t mean being less valuable and soon they will see everyone as equal members of society. It’s one thing to read a book about people with special needs, but it’s an entirely different thing altogether to invest in a friendship — which is three-dimensional and real — with someone who’s different than they are. It’s a hands-on opportunity to learn that everyone has something to offer in this world

The {African} Elephant in the Room | The Nester

So yesterday I went to super Target and I did not cry.  I even *gasp* bought a Starbucks coffee and didn’t have guilt (ok maybe a little but not much).  I wrote sponsor letter and gave a family gift to the three boys we sponsor and was thrilled I could.  I cried in the car on the way to carpool.  And today I’m getting ready for the magazine people to come to my home next week and I even bought some pillows for our bed (even though I self righteously told Shuan Groves I would not under any circumstances be buying anything for my house because of this shoot).

Real Or Not Real? | Flux Capacitor

Real Or Not Real?

Some people don't need a 'reason' to live.

Living is their reason.

They are very blessed or have worked very hard.

That is not possible for all of us, all of the time.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you hurt all over

inside and out, under and in the fine veins of your left pinkie toe.

You can feel your heart. It hurts.

Congrats, New Grads! By the Way, You Don't Know Anything | Jezebel

I know I said "poor" in item #10, but I was being lazy. I'm sorry. What I really meant was "broke." Don't get some chip on your shoulder about how disenfranchised you are because all you have is a liberal arts degree and 100 Top Ramens. It will make you sound silly and careless. Some people have been systemically disadvantaged their entire lives and now they live in their cars and don't even have Bottom Ramen. Here's an easy way to tell the difference: If you got arrested, do you have someone that could bail you out of jail? If the answer is yes, then you are broke and not poor. "Poor" is not a game. You are "broke."

Bittersweet | Deeper Story

I longed to have children, and we were finally at a place of attaining certain goals that would allow me to step back from working full-time so we could start a family. And the irony is that he began pushing for a baby right when he started his affair. And since I knew something was going on—even when I didn’t know how bad it really was—I knew adding a baby into the mix wouldn’t “fix” anything. So I’m the one who made the decision to wait. Because I needed to be sure we were okay.

What's Going on with the Haitian Army? | Ben and Lexi

Here's where it gets murky: No one knows exactly who is providing the would-be troops with those new vehicles, guns and Get Money jackets. Some think Martelly is doing some behind-the-scenes maneuvering, others believe that anti-Martelly factions within the government are, at worst, looking to instigate a coup d'etat, or, at best, make Martelly look bad. I've heard that they're being funded by Duvalier, who is raising the money from among Haiti's largest and wealthiest families, and also by a well-known drug runner who wants to see UN troops outed in favor of more corruptible local troops. Another theory is that the US government is behind it all. According to a friend, "On the one hand, the ambassador says Haiti doesn't need an army that the US is providing support to the police. Secretly, military and political high-ups are creating plans at the embassy to strengthen the army. They've already given Martelly guns for the army."

Quit giving the haters PhDs. | Jon Acuff's Blog

If someone gives me a compliment, the voices inside immediately tell me, “That person’s opinion doesn’t count. They don’t know what they’re talking about. You can’t trust those words. Brush it off. Discount it and dismiss it before it has a chance to land on your heart.”

If someone insults me or hates on me though, I tend to do just the opposite. “Wait a second, this guy, this guy who said something bad about me, he knows what he’s talking about. He’s smart, he’s got me pegged. I should really take this guy’s words to heart. I should really mull over those words and consider them. This guy gets me.”

 

highlights from mom 2.0 summit

After our big trip to Florida a couple weeks ago, I got to head down to Miami for a few days to catch up with the Mom 2.0 Summit. I wasn’t planning on attending this year – I’ve been trying to reign in my travel schedule and Miami seemed so far away. But when I realized that our Disney World trip would have me in Florida the very day that this conference started, I couldn’t bear the thought of flying home just as all of my favorite blogging folks were arriving.  When Laura asked me to speak, it was a no-brainer.  (Except for the part about Mark having to fly home alone with four children. But alas, they survived, thanks in large part to Virgin America’s plentiful snacks and constant streaming of the Disney Channel.)

I am sometimes hesitant to post pictures of conferences, because it makes it appear as if the weekend is just one big “Moms Gone Wild” episode.  But I promise . . . during the day, we are actually conferencing.  See?

It’s just that photos of the conferencey-part aren’t all that exciting. But suffice it to say, the conference part was incredible, educational, smart, and inspiring.  Mom 2.0 is the brainchild of Laura Mayes, and let me tell ya: if you ever have an opportunity to attend something that Laura is hosting, get yourself there.  I got to speak on a panel about the hot topics of 2012, and it sparked some really great discussion, especially surrounding working moms and gender roles. I’m working on a post about that. But for now, I’m just going to post pictures of the conference highlights.  Highlight #1: the view from my room.

Highlight #2: the mojitos at the pool bar. And great company.

Highlight #3: Taking a bus to a party at the Vercase Mansion. LIKE A BOSS.

There was paparazzi awaiting us as we walked into the mansion.  I suspect they may have been disappointed to discover a bus full of ladies who write on the internet in their pajamas for a living, but WE were excited about it.

Just chilling in the mansion. NBD.

I kept waiting for the party to get so raucous that someone jumped in the pool.  That never happened.  But a bunch of us danced like idiots on the dance floor, so there’s that.

The biggest highlight of the trip is a moment I don’t have a photo of, but I’ll try to paint you a picture. We leave the mansion, and a group of us, including my long-time girl crush Samantha Bee, go clubbing at a roof-top bar overlooking South Beach, and dance like fools until the wee hours. You know, just everyday stuff. BUT WAIT! That’s not the best part. The best part happens later, when three of us find ourselves in a cab with an elderly Haitian driver who has an affinity for 80’s ballads, and at around 2am ALL FOUR OF US are singing along to Bette Midler’s The Rose, with full harmony and hand motions.  I don’t know when I’ve laughed so hard.

It was a really great trip, and in addition to being very fun, I also made some great connections in regards to my online writing.  I’ll be announcing some of those things soon. In the meantime, I’ve so grateful that I have a job that affords me some silly excitement in the midst of my typical routine, and some amazing relationships with incredible and inspiring women.