1. Sunrise Sunset Mountain Abstract Geometric Wall Art
2. NEST Fragrances Classic Candle- Pumpkin Chai
5. VM VOUGEMARKET Geometric Duvet Cover Set
6. Kate and Laurel Gada 2-Piece Rustic-Modern Side Accent Tables Geometric
7. YeeJu Geometric Decorative Throw Pillow
8. ella+mila Nail Polish, ELITE Collection – Sunset Escape
On Thursdays I post from the vault. This post is from October 2008.
I wrote about my own surrender to looking stupid a few months ago. Lately, I am realizing that this theory must apply to my children as well. Okay, let me try to circumvent any nasty comments by saying this: I don’t think my kids ever look stupid.
But . . .
sometimes the choices they make are just not my choices. And sometimes their fashion sense just doesn’t make any sense.
I’ve mentioned my disdain for character clothing, and my loathing of crocs. And yet, for some reason, these two items seem to hold a mythical attraction for Jafta. He has one “character” outfit that he begs to wear EVERY SINGLE DAY. Sometimes, at naptime, I will come in the room and find he has changed into this outfit by himself. And he wants to wear his crocs everywhere he goes. Pair this with his red Angels hat, which he also insists on wearing every day, and it’s not exactly fashion city around here.
And then there is India. She has her own quirks about dressing. She demands to wear her crocs, too, but she likes them with socks. Classy. She also refuses to wear pants, and won’t tolerate anything in her hair. So she is my messy-haired girl wearing dresses with socks and crocs. And for some reason, her latest demand is that she will only consent to wearing about four of the dresses in her closet. All of which are way too small for her.
Now I believe in picking my battles. I do not think that clothing is a battle worth fighting. But sometimes, my pride gets in the way. When we show up to preschool and all the kids are wearing Paul Frank and skater shoes, I grimace a little at my son in his Cars outfit. When we go to church at all the girls are in cute outfits with combed hair, matching bows and mary-jane shoes, I laugh and smile at India’s strong will, and inwardly wish she was wearing an outfit of MY choosing.
In my psychotherapy practice, I counsel people all the time about the concept of differentiation. It’s the idea that caring about someone doesn’t mean they need to reflect our own choices in every way. It means allowing our spouse/friends/kids to have different views, different opinions, and different tastes. Intimacy is not birthed out of being like-minded with people, or liking the same music, or clothes, or shoes. That is an adolescent’s view of intimacy, and as we move into adulthood, we choose relationships based on shared values but enjoy the differences in our circle of friends. And more importantly, we recognize the choices of others are not a reflection of us. When we let go of this false need for managing others, our relationships blossom.
Wow, that sounds great, huh? So why do I struggle so much to do this with my kids? In a way, it does seem like kids are the final frontier in the process of differentiation. It’s hard to let go of the notion that they are walking and talking representatives of who we are as a parent. But when parents treat their children like little extensions of themselves who need to mimic them in every way, where does that lead? IT BACKFIRES. We’ve all seen the ending to that story of control, and it’s not pretty.
This all takes me back to a memory of the outfit I choose to wear for my first day of high school. I was 13 years old, and having kind of an identity crisis. I couldn’t decide if I was going to be a punk-rock chic or a hip-hop diva. I loved the music and fashion and attitude of both these worlds, and back in that day, it was all about personal expression of your musical tastes.
My decision . . . and it is with great pain and embarrassment that I write this . . . my decision was to make a pair of MC Hammer-style pants out of a punk-rock fabric.
Yes, you read that correctly. I made these pants. Not only was this the lamest idea EVER, but the idea was executed by the crappy sewing skills of a 13-year-old with a semester of home economics under her belt. (I’m sure you are surprised to hear that rapper pants in punk fabrics were not readily available at the mall.)
My mom, watching this whole debacle, had two choices: a) try to talk me out of this fashion disaster, or b) take me to the fabric store and help make sure my sewing didn’t leave my butt hanging out. My mom chose to help me make the pants. I know she thought they were hideous, but she was supportive anyways. And you know what? The result is, I got out of my rapping punker stage pretty quickly. Whereas had she balked at it, I probably would have kept up appearance just to be rebellious.
All this to say, my kids may like country music (sorry ya’ll), may want to dress lame, may want to join the color guard or follow a Dave Matthews tour or be in a handbell ensemble or wear a sequined leotard while singing a Depeche Mode song in a talent show (oh wait that was me). Whatever choices they make that don’t endanger their morals or integrity are gonna need to be left up to them. And me . . . I’m gonna need to let go. Starting now.
Every Wednesday I feature a child recently highlighted by a local Wednesday’s Child newscast to share the stories of children from around the country who are waiting for a family. My hope is that this can broaden exposure for the children highlighted, but also serve as a reminder that these children represent thousands of children currently in the foster-care system. Perhaps their stories will inspire you to consider opening your home to a child needing a family. For more information and to learn about other waiting children, visit AdoptUsKids.
In this episode we are talking about our very favorite cleaning products for our homes, with an emphasis on non-toxic products, products that are easy for adults AND kids to use, and products that reduce waste.
Kitchen:
Laundry:
Flooring:
Special Jobs:
TWO THUMBS UP
Podcast (selfie): Play in new window | Download
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1. 3 Tier Triangular Matte Black Metal Display Shelf
2. Bloomingville Short Matte Black Ceramic Fluted Vase
3.Globe Electric 65155 Pendant Lighting
4. SOCOSY Creative Irregular Matte Ceramic Dinner Plate
5. Fellow Stagg EKG, Electric Pour-over Kettle
6. Modern Metal Cube Frame Planter Bowl
7. Black Matte Silverware Set – 20 Pieces Stainless Steel
8. Rivet Mid-Century Modern Task Lamp
9. Modern Style Metal Dining Room Chair
On Thursdays I post from the vault. This post is from September 2008.
Last night we had the pleasure of getting together with several other families adopting from Haiti for a beach bonfire. It’s always so fun to hang out with other adoptive parents. For one, it’s nice to just get together and chat with people who know all the dirty details about the Haitian adoption process. We mulled over the changes in IBESER, the Gassant firing, the 1974 law, the mess in Parquet, the timing of MOI, how passports are printed, when to file the I600 . . . Confused?? Exactly why it’s nice to have some folks to share in the insanity of it all.
But I also love these gatherings because it is so neat to meet other families who are passionate about adoption, with children who resemble mine, and see them all play together. When we first arrived, we met Debbie and her husband, who are in the process to adopt a 16-year-old girl. We saw Angela with her three new Haitian children, who just came home this summer! Seeing her newly enlarged family gives me hope that our own adoption will happen. As soon as we arrived, Angela’s 16-year-old started holding India, and her son Jude started playing with Jafta. Her 4-year-old daughter crawled right up into my lap. Despite the fact that these kids are just learning English, they immediately took to my family, and it was a lovely picture. Then our friends Alida and her family came, who are hoping to start the process of foster adoption. Her oldest boys hit it off with Jafta, too. They were running around the beach pretending to spar with light sabers in no time! Finally Donica and Paul came, who we have so much in common with. They have two kids similiar ages to ours, and are also adopting a little boy from Haiti who will be the same age as their bio daughter. So we are both creating “virtual twins”. It was fun to talk about how life will change once we can bring our kids home.
I really appreciate the relationships I have with these families, and they are a support to me, even when we just sit around a bonfire singing worship songs. Their presence gives me strength.
And who said meeting people online was a bad thing??? 🙂
********the photo above was taken on our last trip to Haiti *************
Every Wednesday I feature a child recently highlighted by a local Wednesday’s Child newscast to share the stories of children from around the country who are waiting for a family. My hope is that this can broaden exposure for the children highlighted, but also serve as a reminder that these children represent thousands of children currently in the foster-care system. Perhaps their stories will inspire you to consider opening your home to a child needing a family. For more information and to learn about other waiting children, visit AdoptUsKids
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It would appear that @indiahowerton shares my enthusiasm for karaoke. 😂😂
Lest you think India’s donut wall creation was completely benevolent, she had grand plans to repurpose it for her own party. Thanks @duckdonuts for the perfect donuts for our wall!
#TBT to that time I got the girls to play a sport.
And that’s a wrap on Kembe’s 12th birthday bash!
In this episode, we talked about:
Amazon Wardrobe
Educated (Large Print Edition)
Jedidiah’s instagram series about diversity
21 Lessons for the 21st Century
Meditation with the Simple Habit app
Podcast (selfie): Play in new window | Download
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This post is sponsored by CHOC Children’s
The teen years can be difficult. From social issues to heartbreaks to school stress, it’s a lot to handle. And then you add the roller-coaster of shifting hormones . . . it’s no wonder teens can struggle with self-esteem. Acne can be another frustrating hallmark of this phase of life and can affect self-confidence for many kids. I talked with Dr. Priya Mody, a pediatrician from CHOC Children’s, to hear an expert opinion on how to help our kids deal with problematic skin issues.
Simply put, teens are more prone to acne than their younger siblings or their parents. Acne occurs when the hair follicles are plugged with an oil called sebum.
“Hormones, that teenagers can have in excess during puberty, increase that oil production, which means more acne,” Dr. Mody explains. “That’s why girls tend to get it around their period, and boys tend to get it when they start going through growth spurts when they’re around 14, 15, and 16 years old.”
I asked Dr. Mody about the best products for kids to use. She explained that many times, kids come in to her office after they have already tried over-the-counter medications. “There’s a lot of different options out there, so sometimes it is confusing for the parents and kids,” she says. “Washes that contain benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid tend to be the best because they kill bacteria and remove the dead skin that clogged the pores. There are also on-the-spot treatments that contain these same ingredients, that you can apply to decrease inflammation and prevent pimples from coming back.”
In terms of which active ingredient to choose (benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid), Dr. Mody suggests that it’s a matter of trial and error. “Unfortunately for kids, an over-the-counter product that works for one teen, doesn’t necessarily work for another. I typically tell them to start with one and if it doesn’t work, go to the other. I don’t usually give specific brand names, but instead, looking for a nice light wash that the kids can use to wash their faces in the morning and at night or after sports. I like that salicylic acid doesn’t dry out the skin, but it takes longer to take effect. Kids often want something that’s quicker, and benzoyl peroxide tends to work better, but it can be drying.”
Dr. Mody warns that many acne treatments can dry out the skin, so it’s important to find a good oil-free moisturizer. “After you put on any acne treatment, apply an oil-free moisturizer on top of it to prevent dry skin. If your body thinks your skin is too dry, it produces more oil, and then the acne can get worse.” The point is not to dry the skin out completely, she explains. It’s to get that bacteria off and then keep it moisturized.
I also asked about toners or pre-moistened pads with medication on it that seem to be heavily marketed to teens. Dr. Mody recommends caution with these because sometimes kids can think that the more they scrub their face, the better their acne will be. “Sometimes it’ll make it worse because it dries out the skin more and actually irritates the skin,” she says. “I recommended they do one or the other. If it is a light toner, then that’s fine, but they have to just lightly dab their face with it. Sometimes with cleansing pads, kids just start scrubbing and scrubbing, their face gets more inflamed, their skin dries out, and then that will make the acne worse.” She also warns that toners and pads are not a quick substitute for washing the face, although they can be great in a pinch in situations like after gym class or sports. “Sometimes maybe that’s all they can do. They can have them in their backpack and just kind of clean off the oil on their face. But when they get home, they should wash their face again.”
I was interested to hear her advice on that tricky combo of eczema and acne that plagues some teens. She acknowledged this can be more difficult to treat because they already have dry skin. “Teens with eczema already have dry skin, and acne medication can worsen the eczema. There is an over-the-counter option called Differin that has adapalene, and it tends to not dry out the skin as much as a lot of other topical retinoids or benzoyl peroxide.” She also emphasized that kids with eczema need to make sure they are wearing sun protection to prevent further drying of their skin.
In terms of how to know it’s time for a prescription acne medication, Dr. Mody says that usually happens after they have tried several different over-the-counter options and nothing has worked.
“Kids will tell you, ‘Oh, I’ve done Proactiv. I’ve done Clearasil. I’ve done Neutrogena,” and then by that time they’re frustrated. That’s when we do prescriptions. There are combinations out there with benzoyl peroxide and then a topical antibiotic cream, like clindamycin or erythromycin. Sometimes those combo creams work well because it’ll kill bacteria pretty quickly.” In harder cases, Dr. Mody will look at retinoids like Retin-A, or oral antibiotic for really problematic issues like cystic acne.
She stresses that the important thing is to let the kids know that it’s going to take time. It can be discouraging for kids who have already tried a lot of options to be patient. As teens are prone to do, they want instant results.
“When they come back in and say, ‘This didn’t work,’ I ask them, ‘Why didn’t it work?’ and they say, “I tried it for a week.” I have to remind them to allow the medication time to take effect. You have to keep it up for six weeks. You have to be persistent. Sometimes, acne may get worse before it gets better.” It can be discouraging for kids who have already tried a lot of options to be patient. As teens are prone to do, they want instant results.
In terms of more holistic approaches to acne, Dr. Mody suggests taking 30 to 40 milligrams of zinc per day. She also recommends tea tree oil just for spot treatment, and even apple cider vinegar diluted at a one to three ratio with water as an anti-inflammatory wash. She also suggests paying attention to diet. “There have been studies suggesting that carbohydrates, refined sugars, and some milk products have been shown to increase inflammation, which could worsen acne,” she says.
Acne doesn’t always warrants a trip to a dermatologist. Dr. Mody encourages parents to first discuss treatment options with their child’s pediatrician or primary care physician. “Sometimes I bring it up before my patients do,” says Dr. Mody. “A teenager’s self-esteem can be really affected by acne. Kids or teens with moderate to severe acne can be depressed or have low self-esteem or anxiety. Fixing the acne can improve their self-esteem and sometimes their depression.
