that’s what SHE said: white people telling minority stories, asking God WTF, the new motto for OC, the inner critic, post-partum bellies, and more . . .

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Free Pass | The Extraordinary Ordinary

He loves me despite how I can’t keep it together at all and how my insides don’t match the outside and how I can’t hide my pain so much of the time. He is a little God reflection. He doesn’t wait to love me until I’m doing it all right. Kids don’t expect the impossible in their mothers. He just wants me.

Giving the baby back | Adventures in Paradise

On the other hand, when parents are completely disconnected from the child, when they act as though there is no rush to get their act together, as though the child is a toy to be played with and then put away, when they continue to abuse drugs, when they have no idea what their child weighs, or how to put on a diaper even after 7 weeks of visits, when extended family is offered custody and they suggest that maybe they could "just visit the baby instead".......at those times I am not worried about them regaining custody. Instead, I become the mama bear. The gate closes. The smiles and friendly chit chat at visits fades. And I hold the baby closer. Because someone has to. Someone has to hold this baby, put him first, get up with him each night and greet him each morning. Someone has to want to be his mother all the time - not just for 90 minutes a few times a week.

Every child deserves to be someone's priority. Being a foster parent is being the one person in the world who puts this child first.

A Response to Timothy Douglas by Winter Miller | HowlRound

Let us not simply say, write, direct, play, teach what you know, but instead ask, what if we look collectively and individually at all “others” and explore? By the rationale of experience, we might find ourselves confined to creating only what others assume we know, and what would that encompass given the complexity of humanity? We would be expected to dream within our own lived experience, which as Mr. Douglas illustrates, has professionally often tethered him to direct the “ethnic” play in a whitewashed season. (Is the “ethnic” play defined by the writer, the story, the protagonist or elements of each?) Can Mr. Douglas or I live inside the mind of a Korean man? A Palestinian woman? An adult with a second grade education, with few hopes and dreams? If not, what should any of us do—abdicate or seek to understand and be willing to make mistakes in the process?

Thank you, Susan | The Happiest Mom

On Monday, Susan died. To say she “lost” her fight with cancer doesn’t seem quite accurate; it’s hard to imagine Susan losing a battle, though of course I know she would have done anything to stay here with her boys (who are now 4 and 6). It’s just that, right up until the end – even as she told readers what was happening to her body, hinting that her time was near – Susan made it not so scary to read about cancer, to think about death. She didn’t sugar-coat her pain or fear, but she always reached for a higher truth, gave her words a deeper purpose. I can only imagine that she left her children as well-prepared as any little boys ever could be for such a loss.

A lot of people die of cancer, and everyone dies eventually. But in her blog, Susan demonstrated what it was like to live, and live well, no matter what obstacles she faced. So while I acknowledge her death, I’d like to celebrate Susan’s life – particularly her life as a mother, and the ways she has inspired me to be more present, more thankful, more gracious and kind. Here are just a few of Susan’s posts:

Oh honey, you crocheted your man some shorts? You shouldn’t have. Seriously. You shouldn’t have done this. | Pinterest, You Are Drunk

Source: ugly-sweater.blogspot.com via Barbara on Pinterest

The Racialized Classroom | JaeRan Kim

This is yet another example of systemic racism, the assumption that the White students will be the social work practitioners, that people of color are not social work practitioners; that bias and prejudice and cultural differences are not areas social workers of color need to think about or examine, that as a person of color we do not also carry privileges that we need to be aware of, for example assuming that I, as a Korean American who might be working with a Korean American client,  will not need to factor in the power differentials I carry by virtue of my profession.

Hello, Plague. Goodbye, Martyr. | Pop Discourse

And then I had a realization. I was a key player in this annoying dynamic –- unfortunately, in the role of enabler and martyr. I wondered whether men are more realistic about self-preservation and simply take care of themselves when needed because that seems the quickest route to repair. I wondered whether women –- in their wiring as caregivers –- are primed to be martyrs, to put themselves second (or third, or fourth…) and not ask for or state what they need. I mean, admittedly, part of me still would rather have Jon read my mind and offer instead of my having to ask, but that is not his job. I am a strong, competent, and vocal person and if my needs are not being met I need to say something about it. Furthermore, from a pragmatic standpoint, my income matters in our household so I am justified in feeling protective of my work hours.

When the Critic Speaks | Chatting at the Sky

There is a critical voice that speaks to you, maybe even right now. You may not notice because you’re so used to it, but most of us can pin it down if we pay attention. Sometimes it’s a voice that sounds eerily like our own. Other times we are blessed to have our critics speak out loud and in our face. Oh look, she’s being sarcastic – said those of us with critics are blessed. No sarcasm here, friend. Because something happens when the critic speaks up, something that perhaps can’t happen any other way.

Why I hate the party system | welcome to my brain

I speak from experience. I battle it every single day. We all look for connection ... our tribe ... our peeps. It isn't just Republicans and Democrats. It is one football team against another. It is those who live in the country against those who live in town. It is the Drama Department against the Athletic Department. It is one side of the street against the other. It is the boys against the girls.

Here is what I hate about divisiveness, and what I see in our party system. Here is why I want to say, "I hate the party system":

It functions best (in our favor) when we despise the other side. Period.

Extremely Long, Completely Scattered, and Containing Curse Words | Momastery

I’ve sat with a friend whose son just drowned in a river. I’ve stood in a room with two families whose children just died of cancer. I’ve felt two adoptions – two babies – slip through my hands like sand. I’ve sat on a hard floor with my Sister’s head in my lap while her marriage fell apart. I’ve held a best friend’s hand minutes after she discovered that her husband was cheating and leaving. In none of these situations did I feel like the appropriate reaction was to give thanks, to assure a suffering person that everything happens for a reason. Jesus. We get to gratitude, eventually. Slowly, slowly, impossibly slowly. But we’ve gotta get through the WTF? Stage first.  Kind of like how Jesus, on the cross…said, “My God, WHY have you forsaken me?” If Jesus is allowed to feel abandoned, than I think it’s okay that we occasionally do too, and that we tell the truth about how that feels.

Seven Things On My Mind | Whoorl

One of my guilty pleasures is watching the Real Housewives. I love Beverly Hills and New York, and have tried to barrel through Orange County during the last few seasons, but YOU ALL, I saw the Orange County preview last week, and I have to say, as much as I love the Housewives franchise, I CAN NOT watch Orange County this season. The plastic surgery, the 17 layers of foundation on the women’s faces, the utter lack of ANY class whatsoever…I literally can not watch it. It’s absolutely mortifying. Let me just state for the record that YES, there are obviously lots of people like this in Orange County, but there is SO much more here. Style, class, and charm do reside here too, you just have to filter through the fake boobs, Ed Hardy, and Hummers to find it. (I think that should be Orange County’s new motto.)

November | Fostercare in NYC

The food line splits; it is me, A and L on one side.   and for the life of me I can’t remember the straw-that-breaks-back final question.  where were they found?  something equally persistent and intrusive.

Me: Why do you ask?

A: I’m just curious.

Me: So were your kids born vaginally or by cesarean? (accompanied by cortisol-induced blood rush)

A (looking wounded and shocked): Vaginally.  (see, he still answers for his wife’s vagina!!!)…i, uh i didn’t mean to be offensive..

Young People Are Watching, but Less Often on TV | NYTimes.com

The divide along a demographic line reveals the effect of Internet videos, social networks, mobile phones and video games — in short, all the alternatives to the television set that are taking up growing slices of the American attention span. Young people are still watching the same shows, but they are streaming them on computers and phones to a greater degree than their parents or grandparents do.

What Postpartum Bellies Really Look Like | Babys First Year Blog#slideshow

Take a look at these real women and their postpartum bellies and know that most of the bellies walking around everyday look more like these and far less like the ones on magazine covers.

On Self-Googling, Online Anonymity, & Simply Being Nice |  Mama Pundit

The one good thing that has come out of my experience of living through what I have lived through with regard to online conversation since Henry died is that it’s been very humbling. And everyone can use more humble in their lives. I now realize that there are things that I, myself have published online in years past that I wish very much I could take back and make go away. But I can’t, so I am now FAR more careful about every single keystroke when I am publishing anything at all on the internet – whether that’s in a blog post, a comment on a blog post, on Facebook, Twitter, a message board or anywhere else. Words matter, and in the world we now live in, those words are pretty much eternal. So they matter even more than they used to.

 

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I think I just figured out what to get Mark for Valentine’s Day . . .

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Free printable Breaking Bad paper dolls from Kyle Hilton. 

Or should I stick with a classic and go Arrested Development?

You can see the whole line (including It’s Always Sunny, Parks and Rec, and The Office) at Kyle Hilton’s website.

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it okay to ask if someone’s kids are adopted?

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I recently had someone ask me the following on facebook, and I thought it was a good question that I would share here as well:

Is it ok to ask if someone adopted, if it appears to be the case? ( example: redhead, fair skinned mom with a black little boy at the dentist the other day.) If so, is it ok to ask questions like where they are from?

I am a total question asker by nature.. I love to ask questions. AND I'm interested in adoption personally. So there are times that I'd like to ask these questions. But I don't want to be that person that asks an annoying or even rude question.

So, are there questions that it is ok even welcomed to ask, or is it more considerate to not bring it up at all?

I think this is a really good question.  I regularly hear adoptive parents, especially from transracial families, complain about the questions they have to field on a daily basis, and I think that sometimes leaves people wondering what they are allowed to say at all.  I will answering for myself, but maybe some other adoptive parents can chime in down in the comment section.

For me, the answer would be that it's fine, but not in front of the kids. Let me repeat:

Do not ask me if my kids are adopted in front of them.

It’s a personal question, and I think it puts kids on the spot unnecessarily.  I think some kids may not mind, but other children are more sensitive, and may not want their parents talking about their personal narrative to a stranger.  I guess I would compare that question to seeing someone with children, who is alone and not wearing a wedding ring, if they are divorced.  A fine question for someone you know, but perhaps not passing chatter for the checkout line in Target.  It’s important to bear in mind that adoption stories are often complex, so what may seem like a benign questions could be digging in to serious and traumatic territory very quickly.  I especially don’t appreciate questions like, “Where are they from?” in front of my children.  They are from foster care and a Haitian orphanage.  One had both his parents die, the other was removed from their care by social services.  That is not a conversation for a stop-and-chat with a stranger.  Especially in front of them.  When I am asked that question in front of them, I usually say that our family is from Orange County, with a look that lets them know I’d like the line of conversation to end.

If you can somehow isolate the adult, I think it’s acceptable to ask a mom if her children are adopted. I know other adoptive parents don't care for it but it never bothers me away from the kids.  I think it also helps if you articulate why you want to know. If you preface it by saying, "I'm personally interested in adoption, so I was wondering if your child is adopted?", that frames it as a personal interest. I've had people ask where I can tell it was coming from interest, and then there have been others who I just feel like are prying (or think we are some cultural curiosity). The context helps.  Just last week, I literally had an adult male ask me loudly as I was browsing for pajamas with Jafta, “So what’s the deal, they’re adopted?”  So not cool.

Also, a word of advice?  One really nice way of acknowledging or affirming a transracial family’s adoption status without gushing about adoption in front of the kids is to simply say, “you have a really beautiful family.”  When people say that to me, I usually get a sense that they are trying to acknowledge the way our family was formed without blurting it out.  This is also a good way to satisfy your own curiosity, because if they let you know that half the kids are friends from school, you no longer need to ask if their children are all “theirs”.  If they say thank you, you’ve confirmed that the kids were likely adopted, and it can be a catalyst for them to share more if they want to.

I also think this will vary by personality.  I’m an introvert, which means I have an internal subconscious rulebook that says you don’t speak to people you don’t know unless their hair is on fire, and even then, only if you are the only person available.  Mark, on the other hand, strikes up a conversation with anyone and everyone.  He is on a first-name basis with every sandwich artist at our local Subway.  He’s a fan of the stop-and-chat.  I am not.  So while I think the question is okay, if the children are not within earshot, sometimes I just don’t feel like divulging the whole story with a stranger.  In that case, I try to change the subject.

I will admit that whenever I see other transracial families, I have a huge urge to go up and meet them, that is at violent odds with my introverted nature.   If the kids are with me, we might give each other the secret handshake silent nod of acknowledgement, but if they aren’t I might say something like, “Your family looks similar to mine” as a way to strike up a conversation without putting the kids on the spot.   But I do think it is important for adults to be sensitive to adopted children, and to understand that fielding questions from strangers (or hearing their mother field questions from strangers) may make them feel self-conscious and “othered”.  I don’t think satisfying a curiosity is ever worth making a child feel uncomfortable.

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how we successfully treated Jafta’s sensory processing disorder (SPD)

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I haven’t talked much publicly about it, but my oldest child has Sensory Processing Disorder (also known as Sensory Integration Disorder).  I blogged about our road to diagnosis in this post, and shared the full story in this book.  SPD is a neurological condition that effects how children process sensory input. For some kids, it means that are extremely averse to sensory input . . . they have difficulty tolerating touch, noise, sounds, and new tastes.  For other children, it manifests in sensory seeking – these kids crave more sensory input than typical kids, and their behaviors look very similar to ADHD.  Most children with autism have sensory processing issues (“stimming” is a sensory seeking behavior), and some consider SPD to be on the spectrum of autism.  Children with SPD often have difficulty with balance, coordination, and fine motor tasks like writing, tying shoes, or buttoning shirts.

Jafta’s SPD manifests with a lot of extra movement.  He has a hard time sitting still.  He has poor body boundaries – often falling out of his chair without noticing, or running into others.  I don’t know what it’s like to live in his body, but he often seems like he’s dizzy and trying to get his bearings.  He talks too close, and often too loud, and he’s overly touchy.  This gets mixed reviews from other children – some don’t notice, while others (who are more on the sensory-averse side) are really annoyed by it.  He’s been lucky to make friends with several boys with a similar preference for physicality, but SPD has caused some social problems in the past.  It also resulted in several meetings with the kindergarten teacher last year in regards to the accommodations for his constant movement.

Last year, we sought out a psychiatrist (again) after the meeting with the teacher.  I never wanted to explore medication for him while he was still at home, but I always said we would give it a try if there were issues at school.  I firmly believe that medical intervention can make a huge difference for kids who are truly struggling with ADHD.  In my practice, I’ve literally seen stimulant meds turn a child who hates school into a child excited to go to school.  While I completely agree that our country is overmedicated (in fact, the only medical paper I’ve ever published was on that very subject), I also think there are many who vilify psychotropic drugs as a “crutch” even in legitimate circumstances. ADHD is an issue of faulty neurochemistry of the brain. Why shouldn’t medications be used that can help balance the brain? I don’t think parents who choose to medicate a child with diabetes or asthma get the same amount of judgment from the general public.  For me, I was perfectly willing to do a medication trial, and to see if it improved his focus at school.

While SPD and ADHD look very similar, they have difference neurological causes, and stimulants have not been shown to be as effective for kids with SPD.  For Jafta, the stimulant didn’t result in any behavior change.  We suspected this going in, so it wasn’t a huge surprise, but I’m glad we ruled it out.  It helped confirm that his behaviors were a result of SPD and not ADHD.

Over the summer, I decided to finally try taking Jafta off of gluten and dairy.  There is a lot of evidence that a GFDF diet can help symptoms of autism, but not as much in regards to SPD.  Still, I figured it was worth a shot.  We spent a couple weeks tapering off wheat and dairy, and within a month, we saw changes.

HUGE CHANGES.

I would even categorize it as a nearly-full recovery from SPD.

It seems like taking him off of gluten and dairy cleared the fog in his brain.  He is more mindful of his body and has a better time focusing.  He is more considerate of the space of others.  Most of all, he just seems calmer.  Less keyed up, compulsive, and on-edge.

When Jafta started first grade this year, I was really curious to see how things would play out in the classroom on the new diet.  I didn’t mention the SPD to the teacher until the first parent-teacher conference, and when I did, she seemed surprised.

She hadn’t noticed any SPD symptoms.  At all.

I really do credit the diet, because we seeing a regression in behaviors any time we “cheat”  A morning of pancakes can lead to an afternoon of hyperactivity.  After a couple times of being lenient with the diet and seeing immediate regression, we got pretty serious about restricting.  He’s been GFDF since August.

It has been a challenge, but it has been so worth it.  I’m hoping to write a bit more about how this plays out on a practical level, and give some ideas for how to cook GFDF for a large family.  I am actually GFDF now as well.  I’ve struggled with migraines for a few years and they’ve been reduced, but it also makes it easier for Jafta to have someone else in the family on the same diet.

I know I have a lot of adoptive families reading here, and I know that many adopted children struggle with SPD as a result of the neurological  effects of early neglect, trauma, or prenatal drug exposure.  If your child is struggling, I would definitely encourage a trial of the diet.  We are really thrilled to feel like we’ve conquered SPD, and it’s been pretty incredible to see the confidence and peace that Jafta has gained from being symptom-free.

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india’s first hollywood press junket

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India and I had a little overnighter in Hollywood this weekend.  We were invited by Disney to take part in a press junket for the new animated film The Secret World of Arrietty.  Several bloggers and their daughters were invited to interview the actress Bridgit Mendler, the voice of Arrietty.  Bridgit also stars in Good Luck Charlie, one of India’s favorite shows, so she was really excited. 

There was a screening of the film on Friday night, and since the interview was the next day I decided we would just get a hotel and make a trip out of it.  India talked about our trip all week in anticipation.  All day she would look at me with a squinty smile and say “CAN’T WAIT!”  I’m not allowed to talk about the movie yet, but next week I will have India share her review of the movie.  (Spoiler alert: WE LOVED IT).

We didn’t make it to our hotel until 10pm.  All the excitement was exhausting, apparently.

The next morning, we decided to get some Starbucks and a mani-pedi before our big meeting with the celebrity.  We were feeling very Hollywood.  Look!  We even had a celebrity spotting at the nail salon.  That’s Adam Shankman in the back corner.  I showed excellent restraint by not being a crazed, gushing fangirl when I saw him because, hello?  Hairspray and So You Think You Can Dance are a few of my favorite things.  And yes, India and I were the only women getting our nails done.  We were in West Hollywood, after all.

After our nails were sufficiently sparkled, we made our way to the Four Seasons where the interview was talking place.  There was an impressive spread for us, with some cute sugarcubes and chocolate shavings inspired by the movie. 

 

India and four other girls got to chat with Bridgit.  India was excited but didn’t seem nervous  Bridgit was really sweet with the girls, especially when some of the younger ones didn’t quite understand the interview format and instead decided to retell the entire plot of the movie back to Bridgit.  It was actually quite adorable, and Bridgit was a great sport.  The moms got to sit in on the conversation, and it was fun to hear about how they make animated movies.  Did you know the actors aren’t in the room with other actors when they record their parts?  That blows my mind.

Here’s a little segment of the interview:

What would you tell girls, a suggestion related to pursuing careers or whatever?  

I think a great thing about Arrietty is she has a really pure curiosity for the world?  You know?  She just- she- she wants to see things and she wants to meet people.  But she all- she has really great intentions, and she, you know, she meets this boy, Shawn who is kind of having a rough time.  And she’s able to be a really good friend for him.  And so I think it's a great message of friendship and adventure.  And I think it's good.  I think all girls should feel empowered like they can go out and conquer the world.  I think it's important. 

When you were younger, what other careers did you want? 

You know, I was a kid who wanted to do everything.  I wanted to be a chef, a gymnast, the President, a lawyer, I wanted to be everything.  So through my job, I can do a lot of different things. 

Is your schedule really rigorous? 

I usually shoot on Thursdays and Fridays and then Monday through Wednesday I'm rehearsing for the show.  Um, this week has been a special episode, I'm not sure if you're following the show.  But we just filmed the episode where they have the, the, the next baby.  Um, so it was, it was a big episode.  Um, so they have all sorts of publicity in there for that.  But, um, it's been a, it's been a very busy past two weeks filming that.  But besides that- it's, it's really not that bad. I mean, you know, they- the nice thing about our show is, it's really an ensemble cast, so they have a bunch of different, um, story lines with a bunch of different characters.

What did you do to prepare for the role?

You know, actually I just, I watched the movie and, um, it, it was really visual and, and I thought that it was, it was pretty captivating as a story too.  And I think, um, I was pretty familiar with the Studio Jubilee movies and, and, um, Japanese films in general from watching, um, Spirited Away and Ponyo and then there was, uh, what was it, the Kiki’s Delivery Service.  And so I, I loved all those movies growing up.  And so I was kind of I felt like I was familiar with that aspect.  Um, and I think the - kind of the cool thing about this movie is like you're taking a Japanese film and you're putting an American spin on it.  And so I think it was kind of fun actually to be able to just kind of act like a normal girl.  Um, who happens to be [LAUGHING] this big through the movie. 

Did you enjoy recording with the other cast members?

Actually I just met two of the cast members today.  I didn't even know them before today.  I, I, yeah I didn't record with anybody else.  Just myself.  

What was your favorite part of playing Arrietty?

I think she’s a fun character.  I think she’s pretty spunky, she’s pretty cool.  And, uh, yeah.  I, uh, I, I like that she has her heart in the right place.  So, felt like she was giving some good messages. 

Can you relate to her? 

I, yeah I, I think I was pretty adventurous when I was younger.  And I, I love liked exploring outside and I was- I was into climbing trees and rocks and all that stuff.  And, um, you know, I think I'm still pretty, uh, youthful. And so- I, I felt like I could relate to her.  

After the interview (and an Amy Poehler spotting in the elevator) we decided to take a little dip in the pool.

Fun fact: if you order from the kid’s menu poolside, your food comes in a monkey bowl.


Fun fact: India is a hot tub surrounded by talent agents in this photo.  It was like a scene from Entourage, only with a small child splashing water into everyone’s cocktails.

Fun fact: My drink was made of cucumbers, pomegranate juice, basil, and vodka.

Fun fact:  We live just close enough to LA for it to be a fun destination spot, but I’m always thankful to head home.

I will have India share her take on The Secret World of Arrietty later, but in the meaning, you can check out the trailer below.

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