that’s what SHE said: the work of marriage, the problem with outsourcing, life after motherhood, inequity in schools, the legacy of Joe Pa, and more…

she said

 

Scenes From A Marriage: January Kill | Flux Capacitor

I want the bedroom to still. I want my sons to move quietly and my daughter to stop talking and asking and claiming and my baby to stop begging for breast every half hour and I want to lay on the mattress and feel adored and adoring.  I want the mean slow freeze of January to release my husband. January is hard for him. Which makes it hard for me. I watch his angry, frustrated face, tired of being exhausted and struggling against himself. Sometimes I want to throw something at him, at his arm, where it would hurt but not kill, hard enough to make him furious, to break the ice and bring the entire river to a boil and release us from winter.  During a quietly furious ten minute argument I am horrified to find myself thinking I hate you I hate you I hate you.   I want to run away. I want to say something so final and so hurtful we could never recover from it. I want to so badly my arms are trembling.

Apple, America and How America is Losing | Blurbomat

There is no place on earth at this moment with the culture, supplier proximity and a seemingly endless supply of workers willing to work like hell, sleep in cramped dormitory quarters and expose themselves to harmful chemicals for what we consider to be a pittance except China. The kicker for me from the NYTimes piece is that it wouldn’t cost Apple that much more per iPhone to make it in the United States. Cost isn’t the problem. The problem is one of infrastructure. We don’t have enough people with the right knowledge and/or skill sets necessary to compete. We don’t have the supplier chain scale or companies who can make things like screws or other machined parts and make them quickly. Systemic failure to adapt. This failure starts with education and reaches deep into the pysche of this nation starving for jobs and wanting to build things at home.

I Blame Post-Feminism | My Fascinating Life

I hope that I will look back and see, through memory's soft-focused, gilded  lens, how incredibly privileged I was to mother these two beautiful human beings through their infancy.  But I also hope that, as I am looking back, I will still be mothering these two beautiful human beings. They might not need me to choose their clothes and cut up their toast any more (and please, oh please let them take care of their own bathroom needs eventually) but this, here,  isn't the only way to be a mother. And being a mother isn't the only thing worth doing, either. My life didn't start when I became a mother. It won't end when they leave home. If we had never had children at all, I would still be a person. I love my children, but they aren't what makes me worthy of my space on the planet.

Penetrable Happiness — The Exceptional Man

At the end, the meetings accomplished, the children put to bed, the time for the two of you. The twilight hours for rest, or romance. But usually rest. The day has stolen your energy, your will to make an effort. Decision fatigue has left you incapable of doing the right thing. Or of doing anything.

Closer To Fine | Momastery

My first instinct is to freak out. My first instinct is to remember that yes, this chaos is proof that I have ruined my life and the lives of everyone in my home and that we are a disaster of a family and that no mother, in the entire history of mothers, has ever been forced to endure the drama, decibels and general suffering of this moment. My instinct is to tear my clothes and throw myself on the floor and bawl and cry out worthless declarations like “I can’t TAKE this anymore!” My first instinct is to allow my anxiety and angst to pour out like gasoline on a raging fire and indulge in a full-on mommy meltdown.

New year's day | Laurie Writes

When Mary Oliver asked what I was to do with my one wild and precious life, I doubt that this pattern of behavior would make it into the desired multiple choice options from A to ZZ. This is some nonsense right here. This is self-torture of an outstanding degree, my own personal lunatic fringe. If you were doing this, I would take you out for beers and tell you to run, run, run in the opposite direction from the insanity. I would tell you to go, consequences be damned, because wasting one more day on this was not advisable. I give excellent advice to other people.

Other People’s Children | Sam Chaltain

In this way, the events in Garfield Heights are a poignant window into a larger issue about what we value, and don’t value, in modern American society. And the reality is that despite our historic commitments to both liberty and equality, American education policy reflects our willingness to honor liberty at the expense of equality.

On being an object, and then not being an object | Finslippy

There were other incidents, too; so many incidents. Every one underscored the message that I wasn't safe, that I deserved whatever was coming to me, because I was young and a woman and that was how it was and also I should appreciate it. I tried to look unapproachable, but I don't think my face works that way; I just looked sad and then men barked at me to cheer up, to give them a smile. I wanted to look hard and angry. Lord knows I wanted to be intimidating. It just didn't work.

Joe Paterno and what legacies are made of | Elizabeth Esther

Lastly, I also read Shaun King’s tribute (honestly, what ELSE am I supposed to call these articles?) to Joe Paterno on Relevant Magazine’s website wherein he actually claims that Paterno was “so great that I think the ultimate story about him will eventually outshine the awful ugliness of a child molestation scandal.” Yes, Paterno was SO great! Except for that one thing. But hey, no worries! That one thing will be easily outshone.

And Finally, A Post | Meg Miller

Speaking for myself, I probably watched one too many “gotcha-day videos” when I should have had a few more cups of coffee with adoptive moms in my community and asked, “So, tell me what it’s really like.” The pictures of happy multi-racial families, like the one at the top of this post, don’t tell the whole story. But the stories need to be told—the hard ones and the happy ones.

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what I want you to know: life with an auto-immune disease

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions.  It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here.  Today’s post is by an anonymous reader.

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Life with an autoimmune disease is different everyday.  Some days I look "sick" and no you don't need to tell me that I already know. On the days when my "color" looks so great and radiant I am not amazingly cured and able to jump right in I am probably running a fever and would rather you didn't hug me.  I sit in the back of the church now when I actually attend so I can make a quick escape after service. If you see me or think of me call my cell phone I do miss hanging out but in our mega church there are mega germs and seriously wash you hands!

Being sick does not make me a bad Christian.  I have not lost my faith nor is my faith so little that I can't overcome this illness. I win, every. day.  No I will no be at the next healing service like a groupie.  I may be there to prune back the self righteous pride issues that rise up from the daily victories of say digesting food, not breaking potty training,and not losing my temper. I really am not kidding about that.

The one of the harder things about this chronic progression is that I am no longer reliable. I may need to cancel at the last minute as systemic inflammation is an anytime anywhere anybody part kind of beyotch. I do still want to be invited or rather, included.

Lastly, this is  disconcerting for me. I know you are freaked out -  so am I! You can laugh with me or at me, (chances are I will find it funny too) or ignore the big it altogether (waterfront property owner on the river of denial here), but keep your doom, gloom, and voodoo to yourself. 

putting myself to bed (the night owl’s lament)

I have always been a late-night kind of person. 

My mother was, too.  I remember growing up, watching my mom get a burst of energy right around the time we were all going to bed.  It seemed like this was the time when she always got absorbed in a project.  It wasn’t unusual for us to hear the sewing machine start to hum at 1am.  It’s still not unusual to get a phone call from her at midnight.  And she’s three hours ahead living in Florida.

It’s hard to say if it’s nature or nurture, but I’ve always been the same way.  As a child, I loved laying in bed and reading in a quiet house in the wee hours.  In high school, that was the time when I would make a collage from my Seventeen magazine or lay out photos into my overflowing scrapbook.  I’ve always relished the time between 10 and 2am as the best part of the day.  Obviously, in high school, my schedule was at odds, and I spent many tired days dragging myself from class to class.  Then I went to college and majored in theater, where my nocturnal habits were completely acceptable.   I found a whole community of people who were energized late at night.  Classes were scheduled around the assumption that our shows would keep us up late, and I was able to exult in a lifestyle of staying up late and sleeping in every day.

The problem is, I never really broke this habit.  For years, I was able to arrange my life to support my night-owl preferences.  My graduate school classes were at night.  When I went into private practice, I set my own schedule, and most of my clients preferred to come in the afternoon.  This meant that sleeping until 10am each day was a luxury I could afford, even with a professional job.  Sure, I had the occasional moments of shame about my lifestyle- the mailman catching me in my pj’s at noon . . . explaining to neighbors why I didn’t open the door at 10am.  But by and large, it worked for me.  When I added my current gig as a part-time professor fit in perfectly, because those classes are held at night as well. 

I think you know where this story is headed, though. . . . right?

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It was all fun and games until the kids came along.  And actually . . . . I managed to get a few good years in even then.  When our kids were young, we kept them up late, and they slept late as well, assisted by blackout curtains and a mother bent on shaping their body clocks to match her own.  Sure, I had to reconcile that I’d probably be woken up at 9am instead of my preferred 10, but that wasn’t so bad.  But as the years ticked by and the family size grew, that wake-up time bumped up incrementally, and starting them in school all but busted any illusions I had that I could maintain this schedule. 

This is the first year that I have a couple days a week where each kid needs to be at school by 8am, which means our wake-up time has shifted to 7am.  Now, I know to many that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but to me, 7am is HELLA EARLY.  Now one might think that the simple solution would be for me to just go to bed earlier.  In theory, this sounds easy enough.  In practice, though, I’m finding it really difficult to get myself to bed at a reasonable hour, despite the fact that my late-night revelry means I am exhausted pretty much every day.

This is the cycle of insanity I go through every day:

7am – wake, exhausted and grumpy, curse myself for staying up too late

8am-9pm – exist in a state of pure exhaustion, vow to myself on an hourly basis that tonight I will go to bed at a reasonable hour.

10pm – get burst of energy, begin rationalizations for staying up

11pm – MINE!  MINE!  This time is MINE!  I feel great right now.  Best I’ve felt all day.  I deserve this time.  I NEED IT!  I want to write and return emails and just sit in the still quiet of this beautiful, blessed hour.  I can pull myself together tomorrow.  This is MY TIME!

and repeat.

I’ve spent the last year doing this, with varying levels of shame and frustration at my lack of self-control about going to bed.  Gee, what was I just telling my students the other night about the definition of addiction?  ENGAGING IN REPETITIVE BEHAVIOR DESPITE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES.  That would be me . . . every night. 

Hi, my name is Kristen and I’m addicted to staying up late.

I will be honest . . . there are times with I think about the prospect of having children who need to be shuttled out the door by 8 for the next 16 years and it truly depresses me.  I need to get a handle on it. I don’t like being a tired mom all the time. 

Lately I’ve tried all manner of techniques for forcing myself into an earlier bedtime.  I put a program on my computer than shuts it down at 11, but then I end up reading a book into the wee hours.  I have had some improvement this month – I’m in bed most nights by 12:30 which is obviously much better than my preferred 2am.  But 12:30 is still not gonna cut it with a 7am wake-up call.  I wish I was one of those people who can function well on less than eight hours sleep, but I’m just not.

So, my goal for this season: put myself to bed.  A seemingly simple task that continues to elude me.

the slacker mom’s guide to homemade photo cards for valentine’s day

I’m not really a “handmade card” kind of mom.  I think it’s lovely that other moms are, but at this stage in our family there is usually just not enough time in the day for me to indulge in my creative side . . . beyond staring at the things other people are doing on Pinterest.  With Valentine’s Day approaching, though, I did decide to make some homemade cards, inspired in part by cards like this one.  But, if I’m to be totally honest, it was also inspired by my desire to not have to supervise four kids signing their name to 20+ cards.  We are barely recovered from “thank-you-gate” over here.

(For those waiting in anticipation, we did manage to write and deliver the thank-you cards for the twins’ birthday, after I was adequately shamed advised in the comment section of this post.)

Anyways, after seeing a few cute photo cards on Pinterest, I decided to make photo cards using the chalkboard wall in the boys’ room.  We are in the process of rearranging India’s closet so I just happened to have a closet rod hanging around the house – but I’ve seen other people use a white plastic pipe from Home Depot for these purposes.  I wrote a little note on the chalkboard and snapped a picture of each child holding what would become the lollipop stick.

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I took the pics on my phone, and then uploaded them to Shutterfly with their iphone app.  I hunted around for Shutterfly promo codes on a few coupon sites, and my photo order total for 25 prints per kid came out to $3 plus shipping.  Not bad.

The most difficult aspect of the photo shoot was that my kids could NOT understand where the giant lollipop was.  I kept trying to explain perspective to them . . . that I would print the photos and then the stick would be for a regular lollipop.  They didn’t get it, and are still quite disappointed that a lollipop the size of their head never materialized.

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Next, I grabbed a bag of heart-shaped lollipops at Target, along with some pink flat cards that were slightly larger than the photo to use as backing.  I glued the picture onto the flat card, made a hole, inserted a lollipop, and taped it to the back.  As it turns out, the hole punch wouldn’t reach the right place on the photo, so I ended up making a small hole in the picture with a steak knife. 

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I think they turned out really cute.  The kids LOVE them. 

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I made a candy-less version for Karis’s class, with a puffy sticker instead of a lollipop.

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Then we made a few cards with all of the kids in the picture, for family members.

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Between the photo printing, flat cards, and lollipops, I spent about $15 on this project . . . for 100 valentines between all of their classes.  I think I would have spent more on store-bought cards.  Plus, I think the assembly is less time-consuming than folding and signing all of the store-bought cards, since my kids inevitably beg for the cards that require affixing a pencil or a temporary tattoo to each microscopic card.  This feels more personal, and will be a fun memento for them to keep as well.  Hopefully they can look back on it positively . . . once they are done grieving the giant lollipop that never was. 

goodbye to the double stroller

I sold my double stroller on Craig’s List over the weekend.

It’s hard to explain the freedom I feel about this particular milestone.  It’s been a long time coming – I’ve kept it around for the occasion big outing but finally I decided it was time for us to part ways.  I’ve been schlepping a double stroller around for six years now –six years of pulling that monster in and out of my trunk.  Six years of not fitting through doorways . . . of strategizing stairwells . . . of retrieving objects thrown or dropped from the children, of forcing the two walking children to hold on to a side while crossing the street, of stuffing a diaper bag under the seats, of strapping arched backs into the restraints, of cleaning Goldfish out of the crevices, of tipping the entire rig when kids exit before I’ve pulled off a heavy bag, of leaning against it as I walk the mile back to the car from the Disney exit, of having two preschoolers fight over the second seat, of stacking three kids into a double stroller in desperate moments  . . . six years of this thing as a very present accessory in our family.  And you know what?  GOOD RIDDANCE.  I hated that thing. 

triple stroller

There is just no dignity when you are pushing a double stroller.  The kind gestures and open doors you get when you are pregnant?  Those completely disappear when you are trying to squeeze this monstrosity through a swinging door, with two other children in tow.  I always felt as though I could exchange that thing for a shopping cart of my belongings in trashbags and the level of disdain from the general public would be about the same.  The world is not kind to the double stroller dependent.  Being untethered from this thing feels like a new level of freedom.  I’m walking a little taller now.  Literally.

minivan this one

 

There are many milestones in this parenting gig that have been bittersweet.  I bawled when I packed up Karis’s newborn clothes.  I was devastated at the end of our nursing relationship.  But there is no love lost for the stroller.   And I’m guessing I’m going to feel the same way about diapers.

Now, if I can just figure out how to offload this minivan . . .

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