And on top of it all, guilt

Still miserable. Still sick. Nausea and fatigue are at an all-time high this week. I've joked about how it has affected my parenting. I'm not really joking anymore. It's bad.

I've always been a "get things done" kind of girl, and spending weeks not really accomplishing anything is difficult for me. Sitting at home on the couch, in view of my completely trashed living room, is torturous. Having my kids go stir-crazy and ask to go somewhere every 5 minutes is making me feel bad, for them and for me.

I know the kids are feeling the strain. Everyone is just a little short with each other. Mark gets home and has to cook dinner and clean up the whole house and then bathe the kids on his own. Every night. I just sit there helplessly and feel guilty. My kids watch hours of tv each day. I feel guilty about that, too.

Then last night, Mark and I were getting a little testy with each other. Actually, we were fighting over which pot to boil water in. You know, the big marital issues. We were both using our annoyed, I'm-so-over-this voice with each other. You know the one. Mine was kind of a "I'm sick of being sick so don't start with me" tone. Mark's was kind of a "I'm tired of being a single dad tone so don't start with me". India walked into the room, heard us bickering, and literally threw herself on the ground, crying. And I think our one-year-old did what all four of us kind of wish we could do right now. I think we all feel like laying down on the ground and having a good cry.

You can guess how her little outburst made me feel about my parenting right now.

I try to stay mindful that this is all worth it. Because it is. I am grateful to be pregnant, and when I can get the right perspective, I am even grateful to be sick, because in means a new life that I will get to meet. I was reminded of this today, as I made an appointment for my 1st trimester screening and was asked, "How many pregnancies have you had?" (Seven) "And how many live births?" (One).

Okay. Breathe. Suck it up. Time to bring that tally up to two.

I can do this.



14 comments:

  1. oh lady. I was sick with Asher (not as sick as you are right now) and I would hit the bed at 5:30, the moment Ryan came in the door. And I would feel the guilt. Like maybe I should just buck up and work with him on the dinner and bath.
    But it was okay because I was busy making a person.
    I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will all be alright. This really is just a blip in time for your kids. At the time it feels endless, but you being a good mom doesn't change. You always are, even when you're a complete hag. I know, because I'm a hag quite often.

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  2. Hugs, Kristen! (Just what you want when you're nauseated, I know - hugs from a complete stranger!)

    I so know this feeling. I had only had one miscarriage and I only had one child to parent through the sickness of the pregnancy right afterwards, but I went through months of feeling like a rotten mother and an ungrateful wretch because I was moping around even though I had wanted SO MUCH to be pregnant.

    All I can say is, this too shall pass. This time next year you'll look back on this and it will just be an unpleasant memory.

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  3. This too shall pass....in a few weeks, you'll be all, "I'm feeling great, I'm so horny, and I'm really craving pickles right now..." Ummmm. No pun intended.

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  4. You can totally do it! Don't feel guilty about anything you are or aren't doing right now...it will be forgotten by everyone and once you see that new tiny face it will completely fade from memory.

    When I was pregnant with my fourth I was horribly sick. I sat on the couch for about nine weeks. My oldest who was nine at the time made the other two Eggos for dinner when my husband worked late and they survived with very little therapy ;) when the nine weeks was up I felt better but the couch had a permanent dent in it from my butt...

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  5. I just wanted to encourage you and say that you are doing a great job! Sometimes we moms just need to put on the tv and have a break. Only a few more weeks and you'll be feeling better in the 2nd trimester. God gave you this baby, He knew you would get sick, and He'll get you through.

    Praying for you.

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  6. I was a totally useless waste of space when I was pregnant. I didn't have other kids, so I didn't have that. But I was teaching middle school, and I'm pretty sure I was the worst teacher ever. Half the time I just gave them work to do and then sat at my desk grading, planning, or pretending to do one of the above two. Then I'd come home and collapse onto the couch, where I stayed until about 8:00, which is when I went to bed. I was mostly just a grumpy, needy, extra-large couch cushion. Poor Matt.

    I feel for you. It's hard on everyone, but I doubt that a few months of couch-based parenting will damage your kids forever (or at all). And in a few months, you'll have a sweet baby to make it all worth it. :)

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  7. You can do this and you are!! We love you so much.

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  8. dont you love that question? it sure does put it all in perspective. 9 pregnancies and 3 live births for me. the 3rd coming 14 years after the 2nd(surprise!) anyway, from one puke-for-the-first-4-months- mom to aother-i feel your pain! it is THE hardest thing! it will pass quickly, let them watch TV! NO GUILT! you need rest! this will fly by quickly and youll feel so good in another month or so. PRAYING for you!
    ali-another haiti mom

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  9. Keep on cooking that little peanut in there! That's your most important job. Your kids won't remember or resent the TV watching (probably they are enjoying it). Your husband won't resent the time that he spent cooking for your little peanuts at home. When that whole and healthy little person gets here all the fit-pitching, and barf-inducement wont matter.

    I know your view on this is healthy now, but be encouraged and don't feel guilty, just get that little one out in to the world! :)

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  10. Oh I definitely hear you. My partner has had to do so much parenting "solo" when my level of disability increases. It's hard! He has to learn to look for a support network among other parents. That can be so helpful.

    I know it might not be helpful in the short term, but keep in mind it is okay for your kids to see you vulnerable or unable to do much physically. They learn empathy and independence. My son is only 8, but he knows how to pull me along as we hold hands while I am in my wheelchair, and that, when I feel sick, he's just got to entertain himself a bit more.

    Hang in there!

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  11. First congrats on your pregnancy. I know the feeling...I was so sick with my 2nd pregnancy that I lost 15 lbs...and could't make any decisions...god only gives us what we can handle so he knows how strong you are!

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  12. I think this is an old wives tale that the more ill you are, the healthier the baby is...so from the sound of it, all seems good ! Hang in there! I know its awful to go through at the time even when you want it. Been there done that with all 3 of mine. It never got any easier. Rachel, the youngest, is 8 and I still remember that awful sick feeling. Its a special bond us women share, that men can't appreciate. Hang in there. India and Jafta will survive !! Mark too!

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  13. i heart you kristen. praying for you like crazy

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  14. Don't feel guilty--no one can be super mom all the time (or in my case, ever!) Your kids are doing fine!! And I agree--they are probably enjoying some of that tv!! Wish I wasn't working so much so I could help out more!

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