Still miserable. Still sick. Nausea and fatigue are at an all-time high this week. I've joked about how it has affected my parenting. I'm not really joking anymore. It's bad.
I've always been a "get things done" kind of girl, and spending weeks not really accomplishing anything is difficult for me. Sitting at home on the couch, in view of my completely trashed living room, is torturous. Having my kids go stir-crazy and ask to go somewhere every 5 minutes is making me feel bad, for them and for me.
I know the kids are feeling the strain. Everyone is just a little short with each other. Mark gets home and has to cook dinner and clean up the whole house and then bathe the kids on his own. Every night. I just sit there helplessly and feel guilty. My kids watch hours of tv each day. I feel guilty about that, too.
Then last night, Mark and I were getting a little testy with each other. Actually, we were fighting over which pot to boil water in. You know, the big marital issues. We were both using our annoyed, I'm-so-over-this voice with each other. You know the one. Mine was kind of a "I'm sick of being sick so don't start with me" tone. Mark's was kind of a "I'm tired of being a single dad tone so don't start with me". India walked into the room, heard us bickering, and literally threw herself on the ground, crying. And I think our one-year-old did what all four of us kind of wish we could do right now. I think we all feel like laying down on the ground and having a good cry.
You can guess how her little outburst made me feel about my parenting right now.
I try to stay mindful that this is all worth it. Because it is. I am grateful to be pregnant, and when I can get the right perspective, I am even grateful to be sick, because in means a new life that I will get to meet. I was reminded of this today, as I made an appointment for my 1st trimester screening and was asked, "How many pregnancies have you had?" (Seven) "And how many live births?" (One).
Okay. Breathe. Suck it up. Time to bring that tally up to two.
I can do this.