got milf?

I write for a mommy blog called Mama Manifesto, and one of the perks is that companies will sometimes send us products to try. I've been hoping to get some new maternity clothes, because I've made a commitment not to buy any more for the next three months, and my collection is getting old. So far, I've gotten three maternity message tees, none of which I will wear.

The first one says "Fertile Myrtle". This one is so completely inaccurate that I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. But even if I was one of those fertile myrtles, there is no way I would wear a shirt that said so. Because I don't think the 20% of married women struggled with infertility or miscarriage want to see me walking around in a t-shirt that throws it in their face more than a pregnant belly already does.
The second one says "Counting Down the Days" and then has a picture of a martini glass. Now I have had some serious cravings for a mojito in the last few months, but if I'm counting down the days, I hope it's to see my baby daughter, and not to have a drink. Again, not a message I want to wear around.

But the last maternity tee is the real beauty. It simply says "MILF".

If your not sure what that stands for, I'm sorry to be the one to enligthen you, since it's a bit crude. Let's just say it means "Mom I'd Like to Fornicate". Sure.

I don't even know where to start on this one. First of all, self-appointing one's self as a MILF and then wearing a tee that says so is about the lamest thing ever. You either have to be really, really narcissistic or insanely insecure to need to broadcast that. Second of all, even if you were in that small percentage of women who actually look hot when pregnant, wouldn't you rather allow people to come to their own conclusions on your level of attractiveness? Because all a t-shirt like this is really doing is inviting people to look you up and down and say, "um, no, not really".

Living in Orange County, the nation's capital of self-obsession, of course I see moms wearing MILF tees, and the male version (I Heart MILF's) on a weekly basis. Let me just put it out there: if you are wearing this, I am judging you. I am judging you along with those Hummer drivers, and guys who walk like their arms are too muscular to hang straight, and people who wear their Bluetooth thingy in church, and middle-aged women whose lips look like this. I'm sorry to judge. Truly I am. But some things are so idiotic that I cannot help myself. And don't even get me started on the onesies I've seen that say "My Mom is a MILF". That is so creepily Oedipal that any mom who puts that on their kid should start a therapy fund a.s.a.p.

So I guess I will have to make my own maternity message tee. One that fits my own unique sitation. Maybe:


"I don't always have cankles"


or


"My other kid is in Haiti"


or


"If you don't know me, don't touch my tummy. And even if you do. . . back off already."


or


"No, I'm not about to pop. I actually have three more months to grow even more monstrously huge. But thanks for asking"


Any other ideas for me?



19 comments:

  1. Your observations are so freakin' funny. I am sitting at my desk reading your blog instead of grading the 14,000 essays I'm supposed to return tomorrow.
    Clever, clever, clever girl. Thank you.
    Oh, and the purses/bags from Haiti are fab. I kept one and made a gift of the other. More on the horizon? How about long skirts, loose blouses? I'm seeing a sort of hippie/peasant chic boutique resurgence.

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  2. This is hilarious. PLEASE tell me you really DON'T see people wearing MILF shirts. PLEASE.

    I think your actual t-shirt should say.

    Nope. Not twins.

    (not that i think you're huge, since I haven't seen you in real life, but I got this ALL the time with Asher--"oh are you having twins?"--Thanks)

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  3. Kristen - being in the hospital for these days I have cable and have been completely sucked in! My favorite obsession has been THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC COUNTY - yeah - isn't that right in your neck of the woods! these women disgust me and yet i can't stop watching.

    Oh and when i was pregnant wtih cayden i had a lady ask me in a store to pull up my shirt so i she could see my belly. weird. weirder is that for some very strange reason i did it. what the heck?

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  4. Hi Kristen-
    I get the promotional emails for sales for Spirit Airlines -- they have a MILF sale --- how trashy and horrid is that? They also have all sorts of other sexual inuendo in their marketing ... they are the trailer trash airline of the south.

    Anyway - a friend of mine, also named Kristen has a maternity t-shirt line -- www.babybrewing.com - no MILF shirts there - but a few cute ones. I had on that said, "Yes I do know how this happened" - I gave it to a lady in the village in LaDigue and then snickered every time I saw her wearing it (yes, she was pregnant).

    If you see people wearing these shirts - I think it is time to move to Haiti.

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  5. Hilarious. How about a shirt that said "If you ask me if I am having a linebacker, I am going to hit you like one!" I had a LADY tell me that when I was about 5 months pregnant... yeah, halfway and she said I was having a linebacker, super nice. Then I delivered a petite 7lb GIRL. People are insane.

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  6. Anonymous10:57 AM

    haha so true

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  7. *Drives my Hummer back to the dealership*

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  8. I'm in for the cankles tee (though, sadly, I cannot blame mine on pregnancy. These cankles were here before and will be here after. Sigh.)

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  9. I think those are perfect! I can't believe someone would wear a MILF shirt...oh wait, yes I can, unfortunately.

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  10. Anonymous3:20 PM

    How about Touch the belly lose an arm?

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  11. Yes, sadly, I really do see people wearing MILF t-shirts. There was a birthday party for a kid in Jafta
    s preschool and the dad wore an I Heart MILF's t-shirt to the party! As soon as I saw it, I was like, dude, we will never be friends.

    Jamie, if you are watching that show, you know my pain.

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  12. Who was the crazy that came up with the MILF thing anyway.
    And seriously people self proclaim themselves to be???

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  13. Anonymous12:00 PM

    How about one that says " Thanks for asking when I am due, but i am actually not pregnant". (this happened to me recently at church, while i was HOLDING my 5 month old baby)

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  14. Wait, if you're not going to wear those shirts then can I have them?

    I've been trying to revamp my image a bit.

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  15. craziest thing- i wear that shirt when i take your kids out late at night when i am babysitting. i get free drinks that way.

    they dont know that they aren't my kids. no harm no foul right?

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  16. Yikes! Seriously, a MILF? That is really really bad. How shallow does one have to be to actually wear that? LOL

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  17. Anonymous11:28 PM

    Who came up with the MILF idea? It's from "American pie" .. don't remember what part,someone said that Stifler's mom is a milf :) And there are a lot of guys (like me) who love "older" girls and "milf" sounds great.. hehe :-)

    Peace!

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  18. "Mama told me not to swallow the seeds!" (with a big old picture of a watermelon over your tummy).

    "Is it a boy or girl?
    Gee, I hope so!"

    Mary in Texas

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  19. Those are crazy! Even worse, I have seen a baby wearing a onesie that said "Daddy just wanted a BJ" - isn't that awful?

    My hubby gave me a maternity T that said "We're Hungry" - love it!

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talk to me.

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