Miss Manners Tackles Transracial Adoption

This was in last week's Miss Manner's column:

Nosy people don't deserve reply

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Dear Miss Manners : We are a noticeable family, as our children are black and my husband and I are white. We draw an inordinate amount of attention.
While this was manageable when the girls were infants and couldn't really understand what was being said, now that they are getting older and are acquiring language, we are trying our best to learn how to field some of the questions that we get.
While we are happy with having formed our family through adoption and are always happy to discuss our experience, preferably out of the girls' earshot, what leaves us stammering are questions such as "Where'd you get them?" "How much did they cost?" "Are they real siblings?" "Is their family dead?" "What'd they die of, AIDS?" "Couldn't you have your own children?"
A slightly remonstrative "Excuse me?" doesn't work. The question is repeated even more loudly.
We want to equip our children with the tools to deal with these sorts of people, as they will be encountering them throughout their lives. And this is their story, their personal information being asked.
I would never think to ask someone with a newborn, "So, how much was the hospital bill?" or "Do they all have the same father?"
On the other side of the coin are the people who say, "God bless you for saving those children," or "They'll have such a better life now."
We merely wanted a family, we didn't adopt to "save" anyone, and I can't say that they will have a better life. There are things that we can provide that their family couldn't. But they also lost family, country, language and culture.
Their life will be different, but I can't say that it will be better, and I don't want to dismiss what they have lost.
I also never want them to feel indebted to us.
They owe us nothing, or, at least, no more than any other child owes a parent, and I think that these questions could easily make them feel as if they should be grateful or thankful for being adopted.
What is the gracious way to handle these questions so that we can model for our children the appropriate responses?
Gentle Reader: Nosy people have already proven themselves to be rude, so you should hardly expect them to make tactful remarks.
The important thing is to cut them off at the first question. The only explanation necessary is "That's personal."
But you must also teach your daughters not to fall for two common arguments: that curiosity is natural and that people who don't disclose personal information must be ashamed of it.
Dignified people value their privacy, and being curious is no excuse for demanding that it be satisfied.
Under such pressure, they should merely smile and repeat "That's personal" as often as necessary.


  1. I guess that really is the best response, quick, simple, and for most would indicate the conversation is not going any further.

  2. Thanks for sharing this!

  3. i love how articulate and right on the letter is. when reading it, a bunch of cuss words came to mind for those that are nosey and so insensitive. but i guess miss manners wouldn't approve of that approach....

  4. Mil gracias for the article which I will save. I cringe inside when people say things like, "Oh, you saved him. You have given him a miracle." So thoughtless...

    I am AA, but our son looks very different from us, so I do understand why people are curious. But if I wanted to share--I'd be on Jerry Springer.

  5. Adoption Learning Partners (online) has a course called conspicuous family that I found really good for tips on how to deal with comments. I think the main thing they said was to always draw the attention back to the family as a whole rather than the child...which I liked. So if someone says "where did you get them"...I would say "our family comes from all different backgrounds - dutch german haitian scottish - but we are all Canadian". OR "are they real siblings" ..."yes ALL of our children are real siblings". "Was he adopted?" - "Our family was formed through adoption". Stuff like that. We do not have our children home yet and I am losing patience with nosey people already.
    (I did a rant post a while back).
    Hopefully I will be able to apply the strategy.


talk to me.

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