Things are rolling along here. The mastitis of the boob (or mystery lady part infection, as Mark likes to call it), is mostly done. It went away pretty much as quickly as it came. THANK GOD.

Life with a newborn often feels like a time vortex, where I have no idea how the hours pass by and how I am unable to complete simple and seemingly reasonable tasks. Today, my goal was to take a walk, to go grocery shopping, to send a fax, and to write one product review for my mama blog. I did none of those things. I should be doing other things right now, in fact, but blogging is seeming even more therapeutic in my current stage of life. I had immediate sharer's remorse after blogging about my boobs a few days ago. But after I got numerous comments (and even more private emails) of others with their own similar story, I felt so much less alone. Somehow the blogging makes the day feel a bit less mindless and menial.

Speaking of, I am ridiculously behind on emailing, returning phone calls, and have pretty much given up on trying to comment on other blogs for now. I am still reading, and I still love you all. Heather, been meaning to tell you how much I love your new layout. Corey, had lots of ideas for your pantry items. Jamie, had lots of witty comebacks for Old Navy lady. There are a million things I want to say to you blog friends out there, but usually I have one hand to scroll down and read, while the other cradles a baby. So . . . I lurk, and don't comment. I still love you.

Karis is doing well. She is an easy baby as long as she is held. But wowzers, she is pissed when I put her down for a moment to do something self-indulgent like using the bathroom. It's a wee bit tiring, and by the time Mark comes home, I am usually begging him to hold her. I try to wear her in the sling as much as I can, but I am hoping this phase passes and she will someday enjoy that cute bouncy seat I paid out the nose for and sits unused in the living room.

I've been struggling with anxiety a bit. Okay, a LOT. I know this is a part of the hormone drop/postpartum thing for me, and I am trying to keep it in check. But my baseline right now is pretty much DEFCON 5. I am a crazy mess of worry, and most of it revolves around Karis. Last week we had her second doctor's appointment, and she had not gained the expected amount of weight in the week since her birth. This is what the doctor said to me:

"I'd like you to keep an eye on her weight. Make sure she is feeding well. I expect she will catch up, so I don't want to make an appointment just to weigh her again. Just watch for signs that she is plumping up and call me next week if you think she's not gaining."

This is what I heard him say:

"Your daughter is grossly underweight and I suspect that it is due to a life-threatening illness. Keep vigilant watch on her every move and maintain a visual accounting of her weight to document the course of her disease."

Yeah. So I've spent a better portion of the week staring at her, and wondering if she looks like she's gained weight, and stressing because she looks exactly the same to me. I got so sick of myself this morning that I took India to the post office to weigh her, just to put an end to the matter. I hoisted her carseat up onto the scale, then I took her out, and calculated the difference. I think the other people waiting to weight their mail thought I was nuts, but it was worth it. I am happy to report, her weight is right where it should be. Unfortunately, my brain is still in crisis mode, and I'm sure I will be stressing about something new within a few hours.

It reminds me of my first few weeks with India, when she had a terrible case of jaundice. I was told repeatedly that jaundice was common, that it was treatable, and just a matter of time before her bilirubin levels evened out. Yet somehow I was sure she was dying, and would be one of the rare cases of children that actually dies from jaundice.

Oh, my brain is just a fun, fun party sometimes.


  1. Kristen,

    Oh honey, you have permission "just lurk" from the time Karis was born until the time she weans, sister. And we will still love you every second.

    You are being too hard on yourself with your list of things to do yet. Right now, if you are getting ONE thing done per day (feeding your kids!), you are a 110% AWESOME MOM! Cuz Dude.. YOU MAKE MILK! That is an awesome superpower..

    Re: anxiety: When Jess was born, I was fixated on the idea that someone would steal her. I would not allow the hospital to post a birth announcement. We didn't put anything out in front of the apt. I kept the door to the apt locked ALL the time. And if I had to go to the bathroom, I took her with me, locked the door to the bathroom, and put her, in her carseat, into the shower, so that I was between her and any possible kidnapper.

    Post-baby brain IS fun.
    Love you mucho.

    PS. Loved the mother's day video. Your giggle is delicious.

  2. Our third was the same way, insisted on being held AND walked for the first few weeks, days and nights switched, .... Apparently she did not get the memo that she was kid #3 and was supposed to be laid back. Thankfully she out- grew all that within a month or two.

    And as for the weight (FYI going to the post office was brillent. If I had thought of that I would be there every other day.) With her birthweight, I think the kid can have a plateau week.

    Hang in there!

  3. You are fun girl. As I am trying to keep food down today I will think of you holding Karis.

    This pregnancy is already super different from the other two. Could it be the 10 years in between??


  4. Hang in there, Kristen. Try to remember that the growth scales that most Pediatrician's used are geared more towards the measurements of formula fed babies. I am sure your baby is just fine and she is so fortunate to have a mom that's providing her with the best possible start by breastfeeding. Mama's milk is ALL the nutrition that baby needs.

    Hugs. It will get easier. I promise.

  5. I always love your honesty and I'm sending supportive thoughts your way. On a funny note, I think you did it again. Did you take India to the post office or Karis? You wrote India... your poor identity crisis children. ;) Be Well.

  6. I lurk a lot too. It's totally cool, lady.

    And I totally get you! I kind of hated it when people would say "it will get better" and "this shall pass." I mean, it's a nice thing to say and it's true and all that, but it DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT AT THE TIME.

    Asher was SOOOO that way with the carrying thing. And it's really hard when you're feeling anxious. You just need a moment of SPACE, a minute with YOURSELF in your own private body...and it doesn't happen. Mothering really is the most selfless thing in the world and it's really hard to be all sunshine and roses about it sometimes. So DON'T feel guilty for wanting to run out the door screaming like a crazy person when Mark gets home. I've actually done it. (:

    Peace to you, friend.

  7. I LOVE this post, one reason being for a totally self-serving reasons.

    Because when I'm a mom, I will remember this post and write you a letter: "Dear Kristen, I think I'm crazy. Please tell me I'm not. Thanks. Love, Lisa"

    The other reason is because I LOVE your humor and honesty. I LOVE that you keep it "real."

    Love, Lisa


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