an open letter to criminals about our upcoming vacation

We have a summer full of family visits. My mom just left after a week stay. My sister Brooke and her family are visiting in a few weeks. The day they leave, my nephews Austin and Derek arrive for a stay. And then we fly up for a week with Mark's brother and family. It will be a fun and full summer.

Oops. I guess you're not supposed to say when you go on vacation on your blog. You know, in case some would-be criminals are reading and decide to rob your house while you are gone.

Well, just in case someone is tempted to burglarize our house sometime in late August to go to an undisclosed city in the northwest that launched the grunge scene and boasts a space needle, here is a disclaimer and some highlights of our valuables:

- Everything in our house is likely covered in trace amounts of breastmilk and urine.

- My laptop is missing the escape key and the right shift key. It has also had water spilled directly on the keyboard and the letter W sticks because a crumb of food is lodged under the key.

- Our television is in the living room. The tube is going out so the screen displays about five inches of white lines across the top of the picture. We've found that you don't really need to see the top of most movies. The DVD player is broken, as is the VCR, though there may be an old bagel inside the VHS slot. Don't forget to take all four remotes - you will need that many to operate the tv due to each being broken in it's own special way.

- There are two 2nd generation ipods in the house. They are both in Jafta's room. Neither works without being plugged in. They are primarily loaded with children's books on tape and broadway soundtracks. I hope you like musicals.

- All of our DVD's are in the armoire under the tv. I hope you like musicals.

- All CD's are stored in the garage. I hope you like musicals.

- My jewelry is kept in the bedroom. There are about 12 plastic necklaces from H&M and Forever 21, and a few Mardi Gras beads that I didn't earn the old-fashioned way.

- BACK OFF the art. It's the only thing of (sentimental) value in my house and they are tripped with laser beams and video cameras just like in the movies. Sure, I might be lying about that. But do you really want to test me?

- The cars are in the driveway, and they are fully insured. If you get hungry, there should be enough goldfish on the floor to feed you for several days.

- The only cash in the house is in the kids' piggy banks. But there is a special place in hell for people who steal from children.

- My husband owns several Oakley golf shirts. That's right. They're Oakley. And they are golf shirts. PLEASE TAKE THEM. They are in the miniscule closet in the bedroom.

- If you do rob my house, at least come back to my blog and leave a comment. It's rude not to leave a comment.


  1. I may come by and get the goldfish off the floor of your car. They will be a perfect match for the two liters of apple juice spilled in the trunk of mine.

  2. Anonymous5:58 PM

    i seriously might rob you. just because i would then make cy wear one of mark's shirts over to your house for dinner.


  3. Can relate -- we're all breast milk urine gold fish and too many remotes here too. Though, and thankfully, we are low on Oakley golf shirts.

  4. I was hoping after the burglars come to your house, perhaps they could hit mine. I've got $55K of medical school debt, a twelve year old car (warning: the interior may be incriminating as it is absolutely covered with yellow dog hair that attaches to any and all material. Think Dumb & Dumber dog mobile). We also have a really rare and valuable kiddie table with two chairs that currently doubles as a dining room set.

    Great post. So funny.

  5. I'm a stranger, but I promise I'm not going to rob your house!

    I wanted to stop by and say thanks for the comment you left on my blog and on the SCL post. It made me smile, although I'm sorry that you could relate.

    P.S. Your family is BEAUTIFUL. :)

  6. Anonymous10:58 PM

    It's Diana, I always lurk and read. Love your posts. This one was great! Have a great trip. We really need to plan a get together when you come up for air. Hope all is well, can't wait to meet Karis, she's beautiful!!!

  7. You ALWAYS crack me up. LOVE your blog. I read it to my husband frequently and we laugh our asses off. Thanks for the humor!

  8. Darn. It is a shame I live in the ATL. However, I can send my dad over... he loves to golf and never seems to have enough shirts!

  9. I just want to say I am so glad you are continuing to blog through the craziness of a newborn, because I love reading it!

  10. Wow... that is awesome. Just awesome.


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