Everyone loves a pregnant woman (but kids we could do without)

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I've been noticing something funny lately. There have been more and more situations this month (thanks to having an amazingly hands-on husband) where I have been running errands or grabbing coffee by myself instead of with two kids in tow. And you know . . . it is truly incredible how nice people are to me when they see that I am pregnant. Chivalry is NOT dead. It is just reserved for the really, really big-bellied. I have people constantly opening doors for me, smiling and saying congratulations, helping me with my bags, and generally falling over themselves to serve me, inquire about my well-being, or wish me luck. It is like a big, fat love-fest, this being pregnant.

I was thinking about how warm and fuzzy the world had been to me one day last week, and wondering why it only happens on certain days. And then it dawned on me: People love to help pregnant women. They don't love to help frazzled mothers to small children.

This was a serious epiphany for me, and sadly, I think I'm right on this one. If I drop something in the store, alone in my pregnant state, people are rushing to help me pick it up. But if I'm pushing a cart with two small children in it, and groceries spill over the top and onto the floor, nobody helps me. In fact, most likely I will get disapproving looks instead. When I am alone and pregnant, people open doors for me. But I can't even tell you how many times I have struggled with opening a door while trying to squeeze a double stroller through, and people just breeze on by. When I'm pregnant, people let me go ahead of them in line at the store. When I have two loud kids in line, people sigh and seem annoyed that I'm even in their line of sight. When I flew to New York while pregnant, I was assisted by several strangers to get my stuff on the conveyor belt in security. When I flew to Florida with two small children, I am sweating and folding strollers and chasing kids, and everyone around me is rolling their eyes and moving my stuff to get ahead of me.

No one who sees me with two small children is saying congratulations, or asking how I'm doing, or really paying me any mind at all unless to passive-aggressively let me know that my kids are bothering them, and maybe I should have left them at home.

The whole thing makes me wonder what this is about. Is it because it's harder to judge a pregnant woman? I mean, most pregnant women have that "glow" that makes them look even more maternal. And barring smoking, open drug use, or bad hygiene, there isn't a whole lot you can do to make you seem like a bad mom while pregnant. But then when that little baby turns into a toddler and decides to pitch a fit for having to ride in the cart, or screams in a restaurant because they dropped a fork, then it's open season on your parenting skills and deficits as a mom.

But then I wonder . . . do people just like the idea of kids, but not the reality of them? I mean, pregnancy is really just a promise of a new life, but ultimately it's a nice, quiet promise. It's not yet spitting up or blowing out diapers or screaming as you run to the grocery store for milk. Maybe we live in a world that loves kids - as long as they are quiet, complacent, and preferably still in the womb.

It does give me pause to think about how true this mindset is in so many other variations:

I value my family, but I don't want to spend too much time with them

I support global missions, but I don't want to move anywhere extreme

I love social justice, as long as it doesn't make me too uncomfortable

I'm trying to purchase fair trade, but I don't want to spend extra money
I'm ready to go green, but I don't want to change my lifestyle.

I'd love to get in shape, as long as it doesn't require too much work.

While I'll love to pretend these inconsistencies are global observations, the truth is, they are a bit more personal for me than that. I think that life is full of things we aspire to, or want to value, that are just harder to play out when the rubber meets the road. It's interesting to be on the other end of it, when the world esteems my pregnancy, but is short with my kids because my kids are short of perfect. But then I think of the ways that I don't hold to my own values, and how I voice a passion for something that I don't live up to, or have the patience to see through to completion.

Is it just me? Or do you see this play out in your own life? What things do you love the idea of, more than the reality?

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witnessing: Michael Scott style (or, how NOT to invite people to Easter)

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Okay, whether you go to church or not, I think we can all agree this is funny stuff. This was put together by our church in preparation for last Easter . . .

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So Many Books, So Little Time

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This is the table by my bed right now. This precarious tower of books are just the ones I am actively working on right now. There are many more piled on the shelves underneath. I think this is the worst it has ever been. I love to read, but I am finding it so difficult right now. I am clearly having a bit of literary ADD. I also suffer from an annoying loyalty that makes me finish every book I have ever started, even if I don't like it. Which really means I just get stuck in the middle of too many books and then end up overwhelmed and reading a magazine instead. Hence, my list:

Midnight's Children - This was a book club selection that I didn't finish. I have been a very bad pupil in book club this season. I am only halfway through. I really want to finish it, but once the story shifted to mindreading and other fantastical elements, I started feeling like I was trapped in a very cerebral episode of LOST. With much better writing. Yet still annoying.

Three Cups of Tea - I've not started this one, but I really want to. It's an inspirational story about a man who tries to address poverty and education in Pakistan.

Dance of the Dissident Daughter - This is a memoir from Sue Monk Kidd about losing her religion, and finding it again. I think I've read half a chapter. It sounds so interesting, but for some reason I can't motivate.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close - This is a great book that I'm looking forward to finishing. It's a really poignant tale about a young boy who is trying to find out more about his recently deceased father. I set it aside to finish our current book club selection, and now it's been a few weeks. I'm worried that I'm gonna have to do some back-reading to remember everything that is going on. So I just keep thinking that I need to finish it, and don't.

Nickel and Dimed: On Not Getting By in America - this is a memoir about the difficult economic conditions for the poor in American and how keruw0ortueirkjdvnw,EK RJWOERGJEFDKXVMCFNDJlksjdflskjfpwaejfrq poiefjvdcvlkx kadsfjlksgfhksdvfjsldkjfawsfldkjarelkwsfdjlkjlkea wjf;lekrjoelkrfdvlkszdjflskdjflskdfjlskdjfksdf

***Oh, I'm sorry. I just fell asleep at my keyboard. Not because it's a bad book. But because apparently, if there is not a muscular, fair-skinned vampire involved, I can't stay awake.***

What Everyone Should Know about Islam and Muslims - I can't remember where I picked this up, but I'm really interested to read it. I think that it's so important to know the truth behind this misunderstood religion, and seperate the faith from the fanatics. I'm actually finding the true tenets of Islam to be very much in line with Christianity. Clearly, a crazy few have distorted this religion into something feared. I can't imagine how I would feel if my own religion was misrepresented by a couple of outspoken lunatics. (Oh wait, yes I can).

The Brothers K - this received great reviews, and I was excited to read it. I was also thinking, for some reason, that the name was maybe a throwback to Dostoyevsky's classic, which is one of my favorites. I'm halfway through, and so far, no paralles to the Karamosov bros that I can find, but lots and lots of baseball references. Have I mentioned they talk about baseball A LOT? Yeah, no thanks.

How The Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents - Okay, I actually finished this one. I had high hopes but I was underwhelmed. This author is one of my favorites, and I love reading about the historial and cultural aspects of the Domincan Republic. But this didn't feel like a cohesive story, and the story and characters were too fragmented. I

The Book Thief - I actually finished this last night!! It was a great read, and easy, too. Although technically it is considered young adult fiction. So, maybe I shouldn't be bragging that of my entire list, this is the one I was able to tackle. . . .

Waiting for Snow in Havana - a historical and sociopolitical memoir about growing up in Cuba. All the elements I like in a book. Haven't even started.

Inside Transracial Adoption - I've been "working" on this book for three years now. I've pretty well skimmed the whole thing, but there are chapters I want to go back to now that some of the issues are more of a reality.

Look Me In The Eye - this is a memoir by Augusten Burrough's brother. Augusten is one of my favorite writers, and their childhood story is fascinating. This is written by his older brother, who has Asperger's Disorder. I thought it would be fascinating to read about an adult's perspective of this unique condition, but I think I was also hoping for some of Augusten's razor-sharp wit and social commentary. You know, because people with Asperger's are known for their sarcasm and social observation. Hello?? Why would I expect that?

Everything is Illuminated - maybe it's because I just read Safran's other novel, and his wife Nicole Krauss's first book, but I became bored with this one pretty quickly. What seemed so quirky and ingenious about these other two books now seems a bit gimmicky and a little too precious in this one. I wanted to like this book, too. I'm about 3/4 of the way done and I'm feeling doubtful I will actually finish.

Blindness - it was my goal to read this before the movie came out in theatres. I think it's already on DVD. Oops.

The Foreskin's Lament - okay, this is not in the picture above, because it just arrived. I am already about half-way through and I am loving it. It is putting all the other books on the back burner for now. It's a hysterical and poignant memoir of a man who was raised as an Orthodox Jew, and who is having a crisis of faith as an adult. It reads like David Sedaris, but with more existential angst. I think this author may just be more neurotic than I am. Which I'm finding very, very enjoyable.

So . . . what's on your nighstand? Any books you can't put down? Any books you are struggling to finish?

P.S. when I did a google image search to find a photo of the Foreskin's Lament, it came up with some, ahem, interesting images. Would not recommend googling that word combo.

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and the baby's name is:

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Well, there you have it. And yes, this is the winner of the poll I put here on the blog. So you may take full credit, friends. (Especially you, Kipp, 'cause I know you voted more than once).

By the way, although Jafta is now enthusiastic, please know that there were MANY tears shed when we had a family meeting to tell the kids the name of their baby sister. Jafta had his heart set on Coconut, and he was dead serious about it. He wailed, he cried, and I did my best not to laugh at a four-year-old's earnestness in saying, "But I wanted to name her Coconut!!" If you see him, best not to bring him up. It's still a sensitive subject around here.

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full-panel time

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If you've been pregnant before, you know what I mean.




Early on, you can get away with the rubber band trick, or the low-waist jean. The then tummy expands and it's time for the roll panel.


But eventually, you have to surrender and accept the full panel. You've seen the full panel on other pregnant women, and always thought, surely there is another option. Surely there is no reason to wear pants that cover your entire stomach in fabric. But then you get sick of your stomach pushing your jeans down around your hips, and inadvertantly flashing crack because the back of your pants is creeping down, too. Keeping your pants up becomes like trying to keep a sock midway up a balloon. Eventually, things are gonna roll down. Tugging up your pants becomes tiresome. So unless you want to wear suspenders that hook to your bra to keep your pants up . . .


. . . it's time to suck up your pride and wear the full panel. It's hideous. It's tacky. But oh, it's comfortable.


(Do you like how I use a tube-sock on a balloon analogy as if this is some common experience that we all share? As if you are reading this and nodding your head going, yes, yes, I know what you mean, based on all the times I myself have tried putting a tube-sock on a balloon. . . )

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The Ten Commandments for Little League Moms

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I did not grow up in an athletic household. We were what you might call an "artsy fartsy" family. I am much more familiar with ballet shoes and chord charts than I am with cleats and shin guards. The whole concept of being a "sports mom" is both intimidating and a little foreign to me. I am quickly learning what this all means for my life (and free time) for the next 18 years.

Jafta has been in t-ball for about three weeks, which of course now makes me an expert on how to be a good baseball mom. So, for the benefit of those other non-sporty moms out there, I give you my Ten Commandments for Little League Moms.

1. Thou Shalt Know the Lingo
Don't continually refer to the practices as "rehearsals", or ask the team mom when they will be getting their "costumes". Do make sure to learn some catch phrases to yell from the sidelines. Just follow what the other moms are yelling. Screaming things like "keep your eye on the ball!" or "ready position! get in ready position!!" will make you sound like you know what you are doing, and also like you actually care. Which you do. Care. Very much. Dont' forget that.

2. Thou Shalt Take This Very, Very Seriously
Sure, they are four years old, and sure, you just signed him up because his friends were doing it. But once you are in Little League, you need to start placing an irrational emphasis on perfomance and competition for your child. The first rehearsal practice is not a good time to casually ask the other moms if any of this is the least bit age appropriate, and if they wouldn't be having more fun if we just let them run around the field. Comments like, "Oh my gosh they've been running this mock game for 45 minutes. I'm bored to tears and can't imagine how they must feel" will not be appreciated. Nor will posing the question, "Do they really have to go to the games every Saturday?"



3. Thou Shalt Dress the Part
You are a sports mom now. It's time to look like a sports mom, so no one will mistake you for having your own identity or sense of fashion. Go buy some t-shirts and baseball caps that will let everybody know what team your child is on. Also, aren't those jeans a little flashy? Wouldn't you be more comfortable in a matching windbreaker and track pants? And please leave the cute shoes at home. This is sneaker country. And I don't mean Converse. You will also have the opportunity to buy some Cookie Lee Baseball Bracelets that are dressy enough to wear to work, so that no matter what time it is, everyone who sees you will know: You're a baseball mom.

4. Thou Shalt Have the Right Gear
Your child will need cleats - and you will need to do a google search to figure out what that means. Another hint - showing up to the first practice with your son wearing a toddler-sized velcro mitt and attached velcro ball just might make the coach hate you. It's time to familiarize yourself with a SPORTING GOODS STORE, because the baby section of Target is apparently not where baseball mitts should be purchased. I know, it's scary. Take some deep breaths. You can do this. Also, you need to make sure they are wearing their team hat to every rehearsal practice. Because if not, the coach will publicly shame your child by asking about it as soon as he steps on the field.

5. Thou Shalt Peddle Things No One Wants
Are you ready to be that friend? The one who is constantly hitting up others to pay for their kid's activities? Who doesn't want to be asked to buy crappy chocolate bars and tickets to a pancake breakfast that even YOU don't want to attend? And did someone say Raffle Tickets!?? You get to sell those, too! Don't take it personally when people start screening your calls.

6. Thou Shalt Not Wonder What the Hell the Registration Fee Covered

Sure, that $90 covered the apparently very expensive costume uniform. And sure, once you've added up the additional $200 you will contribute (because you refuse to hit up family and friends to buy candy, pancakes and raffle tickets), you will realize that this is more expensive than your last family vacation. But make no mistake - Little League is a volunteer organization. Best not to question where this money is going while you are forced to man the snack bar and your husband is needed at every game to keep ten four-year-olds from anarchy on the field.

7. Thou Shalt Engage in Conversation with Other Baseball Moms
Apparently bringing a book and isolating yourself on your blanket might be considered a bit rude. So for the duration of the 90 minute practice you will need to engage in chit-chat with women you don't really know. Topics include How Much Your Husband Practices With Your Child, How Much Your Child's Baseball Skills Are Increasing, and How Much You Are Volunteering in Baseball. If, and only if, all possible topics of conversation about your four-year-old's savant giftedness in baseball are exhausted, you may begin a conversation about Where My Clearly-Smarter-Than-His-Peers Preschooler Will Attend Kindergarten. (Just a tip: when you talk about Mexican children, refer to them as "Non-English Speakers". This makes it sound less racist when you prattle on about how you don't want your kids in school with them).

8. Thou Shalt Practice At Home.
Again, this is serious business. Weekly practice are not nearly enough to teach your child the skills they will need to be a serious t-ball player. You will need to practice at home - daily. The coach will remind you of this every week, and give you tips for things to work on at home. How else are they gonna make the major leagues?

9. Thou Shalt Bribe Their Motivation with Sweets

Just in case your child is not taking this seriously enough, or is feeling a little fidgety and done half-way through the game, you can let them know that if they finish, there is a cookie waiting for them. Not that your four-year-old isn't naturally committed to team sports. This is all about them. And their insane love of the game and desire to win a 90-minute game. Right?

10. Thou Shalt Suck It Up

Because no matter how uncomfortable all of this makes you, and no matter how much you want to mock the entire endeavor, your son thinks that being on a real baseball team is the coolest thing that ever happened to him.

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Like an alcoholic in a bar

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I have to drive by it several times a week. When I see the building, I have a physiological reaction. My pulse starts racing, my adrenaline pumps, and I get giddy with anticipation. Usually, I restrain myself. Nothing good will come from going in there, I repeat in my mind. I know me. I know I will lose control. I know I will give over to the temptations that await me inside Room and Board.

And yet, that temptation pulls me in. I'm just looking, I rationalize. Just a peek at the new collection.

This time will be different.

And then I become a little dizzy from the deigner lighting. All that good design sitting on polished concrete starts making me woozy. Too many Eames products in one room and I have lost all sense of control. I begin the rationalization of an addict:

These bunk beds would create more space in Jafta's room.

This crib and changing table aren't THAT expensive. I could sell them on Craigslist after I use them.

A new baby deserves a new nursery.

Look how much Jafta likes this room.

Fortunately a cranky toddler pulls me out of my cycle of addiction. I scurry to the door before any damage is done, and vow I will never go in there again.

Until December. FLOOR MODEL SALE!!!!

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memories of pop-pop

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My Pop-pop passed away last week. Tonight is his memorial service in Orlando, where I grew up. I'm really sad to miss this celebration of his life.

My Pop-pop was my mom's father. Pop-pop was a brilliant man, and had an amazing wit. Though he could often be grumpy, he would always surprise you with a sarcastic comment or clever comeback, even in the midst of an argument. Pop-pop had a sense of humor about himself and about life. I still remember bonding with him over Seinfeld, and how he would just laugh and laugh, especially when Jerry’s retired Floridian parents were on the show. I know he got a kick out of how similar they were to him. And who can forget Pop-pop’s commitment to David Letterman? Even in his 80’s, he would go to bed at 6pm, but set his alarm for 11:30pm to wake up and watch Letterman. And yes, we suggested recording it, and offered to Tivo it over the years. But he had his ways, and Pop-pop was a man set in his ways.

Speaking of Pop-pop’s habits, he was also a fan of talk radio, but he refused to listen to it on the surround sound multi-media system Mom had installed in the living room. Instead, he would sit with a small, antenna-fueled FM radio that crackled and buzzed. He would get so worked up listening to his favorite political pundits, that you were wise to give him a bit of space for a few hours following, or you might just get an earful about how the country was “going to hell In a handbasket”. When I was young, I couldn't believe how riled up he could get about politics. But apparently it is genetic . . .

Pop-pop had his own unique way of showing love. When you hear the phrase "actions speak louder than words," that's exactly the kind of example Pop-pop set for the rest of us. He wasn’t a very verbose person (I think being surrounded by very loud women may have had something to do with that). I will remember him by all the little things he did. He was always looking out for us in the practical ways. Did we have enough gas? Did we need an oil change? Did we remember to shut the garage door? Did we need anything from the store? He kept the pantry full, he kept the garage clean, and he kept our flat-irons OFF. He was the master organizer, and also the best at sending packages. He used to send us care packages growing up, with all of our favorite cereals and snacks. The box may have required a chainsaw to open, but once we did, we were stoked.

It was very sad for me to see my once healthy and strong grandfather become sick at the end of his life. Pop-pop was a very active guy, and never wanted any of us to fuss over him or worry. I know that it was difficult for him to be so dependent in the last few months of his life, because his love language was caretaking for his family. His care in our lives will be greatly missed.

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The Boys Are Back*

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Mark and Jafta got into LAX late last night. They had such a good trip. Keanan got out of the hospital on the very day they arrived. His foot is doing much better. Mark got to go on a doctor's appointment with him. The surgeon seemed very competent, and it looks like the infection is going away. His wound still needs to close up and heal a little more, and he is still not able to walk on it. But hopefully in a few weeks he will be back to his active little self!
Keanan was a little subdued on this trip, which is to be expected. He's been through a lot this past month. He was really happy to see Mark and Jafta, but preferred to interact with them while in the hands of his nanny. He is very bonded to the nannies, which is so good to see. He was really playful with Mark, and Jafta is just smitten with him.

We got more news on the adoption process. We are still in parquet (the second stage) - which we thought we had cleared. We were bummed to hear that but we should be getting out very soon. When we clear that, his adoption will be final in Haiti, but not in the US. Lots of hoops still to go, but we have cleared the big ones related to our family size. The good news is that the council for the death decree has been completed, so hopefully that won't be hanging us up in MOI. It will still be several months before he comes home.

On their last day there, I got to SKYPE with all of them! It was so cool to see him in person. He was kind of shy about it, but he was holding a photobook of our family. While I was talking, he starting kissing the photos of us. I WAS DYING!! He is so cute, and my heart hurts to get him home.

A note to other adoptive parents:

I know there are some other parents adopting from Heartline who read my blog. I just want to let everyone know that all the kids are doing great. They are happy and healthy, and we continue to be impressed by the care they get. Mark thought he recognized every single nanny from our trip a year ago - so they are getting consistent bonding with the same amazing ladies. The nannies are interactive and very loving to all the kids. Shelly Tlucek is doing such a great job overseeing everything. She has put the kids on a daily rotation, kind of like a developmental preschool. They do different activities like a playdough station, a book station, a blocks/puzzles station, etc. It is obvious that a lot of thought has gone into making this a stimulating environment for their little minds. We took down two more trikes, and some duplo blocks and new books. The kids still love the trampoline best!

Mark also took balloons and made balloon animals for all the kids. Those were a big hit.

When Keanan came back to the boys' home after his two-week hospital adventure, all of the boys greeted him like a long lost brother. So did the nannies. It really is such a family environment there, and each and every child is thriving. I ordered my husband to get a photo of every child - I have uploaded them at the Heartline Kid's shutterfly page.

((((((*5 points if you recognize where that song is from . . . )))))

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Love's Labor's LOST

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You know how on LOST, they have to go back and re-live the traumatic experience of the plane crash? It was one of the worst things they ever went through, and they have to do it again. They know it will be painful. They know it will hurt like hell. They know there will be carnage. And yet, they know there is no getting around it. So they brace themselves, try deep-breathing, and just hope that this time isn't as bad as the first time . . .

Yeah, that's pretty much EXACTLY how I feel about my upcoming labor.

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brotherly love

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I got to "chat" with Mark on facebook for a while tonight. He sent me this picture of the two boys together:

Jafta is still running a fever in the evenings and his asthma is giving him trouble. Luckily I forced Mark to pack the nebulizer, just in case. Mark said he was fine during the day today, and then just got sick again when they got home. Keanan is getting better but still pretty quiet and not his usual active self. Jafta is really loving on him. I love how he has his arm around him while they are watching a movie.

Today Mark and Jafta got the chance to tag along with the Livesays and a team from the Austin Stone church to visit a few organizations doing great work in Haiti. Check out Jamie and Aaron's blogs for their personal accounts, and Tara's for more pictures. It sounds like it was a powerful experience for everyone. They visited a home for disabled children, and Mark said that Jafta was amazing with the kids there, giving wheelchair rides and playing and not even batting an eye at their disabilities. I don't know what I did to deserve such a compassionate little guy (or how I can get some of it to rub off on India). Jafta is such a sweetie.

India and I are doing . . . okay. She's been a little fiesty all week. I know she is missing her brother and daddy. Yesterday she was playing with her Ariel doll and kept saying "She just wants her daddy right now".

I'm feeling a little heavy tonight. I found out that my grandfather died today. I won't be able to go to the funeral this close to my due date. I'm really feeling sad to miss that, and to miss this visit with Keanan. I feel my heart pulled in different directions and yet I know I need to stay here and take care of incubating the newest member of our family for a few more weeks.

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missing my boys

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Thanks to the modern technology of the satellite phone, I've actually been able to talk to Mark every night they've been in Haiti. That has been SO nice. We are also always trying to chat on facebook, but somehow I missed him every time he's on. Yesterday afternoon I was in a benadryl-fueled nap and woke to several messages from friends telling me to get online. I had just missed him. Mark is wondering how I am on facebook all day when he is home, and yet he can't reach me when I am in Haiti. I am using this as proof that I am not online ALL THE TIME. I take breaks to eat and sleep, thank you very much.

Mark let me know last night that Jafta is running a fever and needing breathing treatments throughout the day. He sounds pretty sick. He is lethargic and grumpy, and refused to eat anything last night. If there are two things that describe Jafta's baseline, it is active and hungry. So I think Mark was worried. I think he caught something before he left for Haiti and it's just now showing up in full force, because he had a rough night before they left. But I know it's hard for Mark to be seeing him sick, and Keanan recovering at the same time.

Mark said Keanan smiled so big when he first saw them. He is immobilized with the cast and very subdued (also not like him). But he's been really, really snuggly with Mark, and laughs and smiles at Jafta. I know if they were feeling better these two would be wrestling and running all over the place. For now, Mark is in the role of comfortor with both of them, and I am wishing even more I could be there. I am stoked he is staying with a missionary family that is taking great care of them, and of Keanan. He is still on a lot of medication and, like most kids, not really thrilled when it comes time to take it. They are making sure he gets everything prescribed. Yesterday all the nannies from the boy's home came to visit Keanan at the home where Mark is staying, because they haven't seen him in almost two weeks since he was hospitalized. Mark said he recognized every nanny, and that they all seemed very bonded to him. Every time we visit, we are reassured of how much he is loved.

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reunited and it feels so good

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I just got word that my three boys are hanging out in Haiti! Mark and Jafta arrived safely this afternoon - I guess they got to have a nice little delay on the tarmac in Miami. Keanan was discharged from the hospital just this morning. Talk about timing! They are all together now, and I'm hoping Keanan is not TOO freaked out by the white man he probably barely remembers and his over-enthusiastic big brother. I'm wishing so badly I was there.

Here are some photos of his last day in the hospital. This hospital is really, really nice and it looks like he is being so brave! The doctor confirmed that it is, in fact, a staph infection. I'm so glad he got such good treatment, is home, and things are improving.

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Anticipatory Behaviors & Haiti: Where The Good Toys Go

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They boys are en route to Haiti. I just talked to Mark and Jafta. They are all settled in to their hotel in the Miami Airport. Yes - in the airport, as in right next door to the gate where they landed. Pretty cool, huh? I'm not sure why we've never done that before. It's so much smarter to show up to Haiti showered and rested, instead of on the tail-end of a long red eye flight.

Today was a hard day for me. I've been so consumed with getting them ready for this trip and collecting donations that I think I was in totally denial that I wasn't actually going. As I dropped them off at the airport, I was so, so sad. I think it didn't hit Jafta that I wasn't going until just then, either. He was giddy with excitement all morning at then after I said goodbye to him, Mark said he was really quiet and sad for about a half hour. Which is a pretty sharp contrast to how he has acted for the past 24 hours.

Jafta has what I like to call an "anticipatory behavior" issue. (Actually, I completely stole this descriptor from Christine - one very smart mama). When he is excited about something, he acts like a total and complete spaz until it happens. He basically becomes the Tasmanian devil. Only louder. It is really, really annoying because he ends up driving us nuts AND getting in trouble over and over again. So much so, that I typically don't even tell him things in advance anymore. If he has a playdate, I tell him 5 minutes prior. If we have a birthday party to go to, I announce it on the way there. I didn't even tell him when it was Christmas Eve - he just woke up one morning, and BAM, it was Christmas. This may sound mean, but trust me. It is better for everyone involved, including him.

Anyways, we couldn't really hide the Haiti trip. So last night, he was a whirling dervish of energy. We put him to bed at 8pm and he was up until 11!! This is despite numerous stern lectures from us about his need to sleep. Luckily he got a decent nap on the plane today, but I feel sorry for the people sitting in front of him. I have a feeling they got some decent kicks in their seat backs from my over-excited four-year-old.

Meanwhile, on the homefront, India is completely and totally bitter that she is not going to Haiti. She was angry with me all night. She has been watching the donations come in all week, too. All she knows is that there has been a pile of bubbles, balloons, tricycles, and toys that she has not been allowed to play with because they are going to Haiti. In her mind Haiti is just an island where all the "good toys" are going, and she can't go with them. All night tonight, she has been showing me a toy and saying, "this toy is from Haiti". She's also been asking about the bubbles in Haiti, and if Kembert (Keanan) is playing with the balloons. Such a humanitarian, that one.



By the way, here's a picture of their luggage. Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who dropped donations off this weekend. We fit an unbelievable amount of stuff to take for the orphanage, women's program, and sewing program. Mark and Jafta have all their personal stuff in backpacks. We bought these big duffle bags last year just for this purpose, because they carry so much and then we can fold them up and bring them home until the next trip. Each bag was exactly 50 pounds - lots of weighing and redistributing last night to fit it all in without having to pay the heavy bag penalty. It's fun to play "mules" for the missionaries who work so hard in Haiti.

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Things I Did Not Need to See Today

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1. I did not need to watch the Oprah episode on how hospitals make so many mistakes, and how many people die from hospital malpractice. Especially with one kid in the hospital, and another ready to be born in one in a few weeks.

2. I did not need to read a full-page warning from the government against travelling to Haiti when I registered Mark and Jafta's trip with the embassy. I know this stuff already, but I didn't need to see it today!

3. I did not need to stumble upon this article. Why? Why would I find this today? And then why would I read it??? Fortunately this is NOT where Keanan is being treated.

This is me for the rest of the night:

And now, for something I was actually relieved to read: Keanan has been transferred to an even better hospital. He is having surgery on his foot tomorrow morning. They are anticipating he might be home by the weekend - just in time for Mark's visit. If not, Mark and Jafta will be logging some quality time with him at the hospital. Either way, the boys are so excited to see him.

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Update from Haiti

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I don't have the energy to write tonight, so I am going to cut and paste the updates I've gotten today about Keanan. Shelley is sending them - she is a totally lovely missionary who runs the orphanage. He is at her house tonight before moving hospitals tomorrow. I think I've mentioned it before, but I absolutely adore all of the people who work for Heartline Haiti. They are doing all they can, but healthcare in Haiti is tough, and I know they are frustrated and wanting to see him better. So am I.

10:40am
Sorry - this has been so long and drawn out - and seemingly
complicated. This is where we are now. Keembert's foot needs to be lanced
and the fluid removed - he will need to be moved from the current hospital for
this procedure. We are trying to reach the orthopedic specialist/surgeon
who originally gave the orders for him to be admitted to the hospital, as he
must also give the order for him to be released. We have been unable to
reach him so far today. Also, Keembert has developed thrush in his mouth - poor
little guy! - so he is being treated for that. He has also started running
a fever on occasion.We are praying that the thrush and fever clear up, and that
we are able to have Keembert admitted to a hospital which communicates
better. We are also praying that the surgical procedure is done well, with
as little discomfort as possible for Keembert, and that his foot heals
quickly.

**Byron just got through to Dr. Bouvier** - please pray that Dr.
Bouvieur is able to reach the appropriate person and that Keembert can be
released today. Communication here is unbelievably poor. Dr.
Bouvieur is frustrated, at best. He said that they should never have
accepted Keembert if they were unable to take care of his foot. Makes
sense.Anyway, that is where we are.

5:30pm
Keembert is in my home right now. Very quiet (for him) but sharing
his smile.We have been to the orthopedic specialist, who removed some fluid from
his foot, and has instructed us to bring him to the new hospital (a very modern
and topnotch hospital) tomorrow morning at 8:00. We will meet with
him then and perhaps a pediatrician as well. Byron is on his way to
Petionville with the fluid - delivering it to a lab so that they can run the
necessary tests on it.The thrush (yeast infection) in his mouth is
unbelievable. We were not given any medication, although we were told that
he was given some for this, so we will get new meds in the morning for it.Dr.
Beauvoir - the orthopedic specialist/surgeon - is so apologetic! He has
been shocked by the lack of cooperation and communication at this
hospital. I will update you as soon as we return home tomorrow - hopefully
it will not be as late as this.

Please continue to pray for our son. I am one nervous mommy right now. I am so glad that Mark will be able to visit him soon, and that it sounds like he will get better attention at this new hospital.

In better news, we have four suitcases full of donations!!! Thank you so much. I love my friends. I love that I can put a post on my blog and on facebook, and two days later have 200 pounds of donations to take to Haiti. We have been weighing and redistributing the bags all day, and I think we've got it all!

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Love Lessons from The Bachelor

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or, Why Jason Will Die a Lonely Man

It was THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER. Did you watch it?

I was sucked in to The Bachelor this season. Maybe it was the single dad factor. Or maybe it was the parade of personality disorders during the first few episodes. Or maybe it's just the fact that my husband works late on Monday nights. Whatever the reason, I was hooked.

So in case you actually have a life and missed this season, the MOST SHOCKING AFTER THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY FINALE EPISODE EVER revealed that Jason was not feeling the love for Melissa anymore. Melissa - who he proposed to. Melissa - who he introduced to his son as his fiance. Melissa - who he pronounced he would spend the rest of his life with, who his family adored, and who was clearly a better fit for him.


I'm not really that invested in Jason or his decision-making process. But I must confess to some massive eye-rolling as Jason espoused several of the myths of romance that Hollywood seems to perpetuate as he broke up with Melissa on national television. Did he and Melissa have a falling out? Did he discover a character defect that was unacceptable? Did Melissa turn out to be a monster behind her too-white smile? Nope. After a few weeks, Jason just didn't feel the same. The chemistry wasn't there. He has to do what feels right for him.

I'm not sure which part of this scenario the producers thought was most shocking. A guy dates several girls simultaneously, who he courts with big-budget dates including helicopter rides, candle-lit jacuzzi makeouts, and overnight dates. Hardly the kind of environment that leads to fidelity and commitment. And then he proposes to a girl who he just met six weeks ago. Really? Is it that shocking that they always break up?

Fortunately, in this case, the consequences of Jason's actions were not catastrophic. Melissa will learn to love again (oh wait, sounds like she's already moved on). Little Ty is probably a bit confused, but he'll be okay. But the scary part of the "follow your feelings" philosophy that Jason is preaching is the very thing that tears families apart, leaving kids to deal with divorce because parents can't "bring back that lovin' feeling" to the extent they had at the beginning of the relationship. Or to extent they are finding it through flirting with someone new, or thinking of someone from their past.

As a marriage and family therapist, I can't tell you how many people come into my office because they don't feel like they have the same feelings for each other anymore. I don't like having to be love's executioner, but sometimes it's a role I have to play. Because marriage cannot be based solely on warm fuzzy feelings. It's a great beginning to a relationship, but it can't be the foundation. Trouble is, from the time we are young, we are inundated with these kinds of fallacies of romance, which set up young adults to have unrealistic expectations and commitment issues, and to value lust (a feeling) over love (an action). And don't get me started on Jason's "I just need to live in the moment" rhetoric. This is exactly the kind of thinking that lands us with insane debt, that leads to global warming, and denies responsibility for our own selfish choices.

I guess an actual show about real love and commitment would not make for dramatic reality tv. But I can't help thinking where my own relationship would be if Mark and I decided to bail out on each other any time we weren't "feelin' it". We've been through some crazy stuff together, and sometimes it's not about feelings at all. When Mark went through an accident and recovery period that made things like a wheelchair slideboard, a bedside commode, and occupational therapy a daily reality for us, it was not the electric chemistry that kept me going every day. (I'm sure he could say the same thing about my pregnancies!) I guess I wish the media would present the part of love that sometimes requires self-sacrifice, and that doesn't rely on feelings, but rather builds on feelings, that can lead to a more meaningful experience than any lust-fueled "fairy tale" reality show.

But for now, I will turn away from the silliness that is reality tv (or at least until Jillian comes back next season), and look to a broadway musical for some lessons on love:

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come on, baby, finish what you started . . .

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I don't know what is with me and blogging these days. I can't seem to finish a coherent thought. Probably due to pregnancy brain soup, combined with two small children, combined with time-sucking avoidance techniques for managing the stress of a long adoption (i.e. facebook and blog stalking). I think about writing all the time, and I even start posts with the best of intentions. In fact, I can't even tell you how many "drafts" I have saved right now that I need to finish. I had lots to say about the Arkansas ban on gay adoption, and then on the stimulus package, and some profound thoughts about sacrifice and service and the world at large. I've started posts on everything from The Bachelor to the FDLS cult, to how to adopt from Haiti. But I can't seem to finish and hit "publish post", because midway through my brain goes all ADD on me. So then I just post a you-tube video of my kids, or something I saw on The Onion. Or really old people singing hip-hop.

I have a little time to myself this afternoon, and my goal is to finish a few posts here, and then actually write something meaninful for Mama Manifesto and Conversant Life. But I'm already feeling distracted.

Hmm, maybe there is a funny Daily Show clip I can search for . . . .

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Donations for Haiti

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Mark and Jafta leave for Haiti in one week. As usual, we are going to try to take lots of donations in with us, because it’s the best way to get the missionaries new supplies. We have two big suitcases we need to fill! I know this is last minute, but if you are local and want to help, I will be collecting these donations all weekend. Our garage will be a collection center on Saturday and Sunday if you want to swing by. Some of this stuff you may have used, and other items can be purchased for $5-10 at Target or a grocery store. If you are running errands and want to pick up a few items, I know they would appreciate it so much. If you want to leave a donation, go here.


Things you might have at your house:
Used plastic bags (they recycle these into purses!)
Old blue jeans (for purses)
Summer maternity clothes
Newborn clothes
Used children’s books (esp Dr. Suess or picture books)
Used novels for the American missionaries to read (no cable in Haiti)
light weight quilting fabric
glue sticks
pencils/pens
plastic bibs with the pockets in the front
cloth diapers
Chocolate and other treats!

Things you could pick up at Target:
antibiotic creams (like Neosporin)
anti fungal creams (like athlete’s foot cream)
Ibuprofen
Tylenol
baby wipes
peanut butter
foldable tricycles
tuna fish
cold cereal (they really like honey nut cheerios)
large duplo blocks
selsen blue dandruff shampoo for ring worm
small hand sanitizers
Deep Woods Off bug spray
white towels/ face cloths

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Keanan Update

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Thanks so much for praying for Keanan in Haiti. I don't have much to update. I know he is still in the hospital. I know that doctors in US hospitals are often hard to pin down for updates, and I think it's even more true in Haiti. I know they changed his medications recently and took x-rays of his foot and lungs. I know that he is being well cared for by a good nanny. I know that I would like him to be out of the hospital soon!

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Jafta Solves the Haiti Process

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Here's a fun little stream-of-conciousness, as a shirtless Jafta eats a ring pop he got at a birthday party. India was napping and daddy was gone, so we had a long heart-to-heart that I just had to capture on film. First he starts talking about the baby, then quickly to asking why Kembert (Keanan) can't come home when they visit. Then he has a lightbulb: fhe Haitian guys are doing paperwork! That's what is holding things up. So insightful. And just as quickly, he's back to discussing the fact that he has been able to skip his nap today - the one true thing he knows right now.

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Oh Yeah, We Havin' Church, Ain't Goin' No Where

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Need a little church this fine Sunday morning?

Seriously, if the church choir I grew up with did anything close to this, I just might still be wearing those choir robes and sitting in front of the baptismal today. Emerging Church, Schmerging Church. This is where it's at, yo:

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