So, about Medieval Times. It was an epic birthday for Jafta. The entire time we were there I kept thinking about the part in The Cable Guy when they go to Medieval Times. I think Jafta's excitement made Jim Carrey's enthusiasm look like mere indifference. And you know Jafta showed up in full costume.
I really had no desire to do a birthday at Medieval Times, but I also had no desire to plan any sort of party two days after Christmas. (Note to those of you in the family-planning stages: try not to conceive a child in early spring, or they may be stuck with one of those unlucky post-Christmas birthdays, destined for life to have hastily planned birthday parties where they receive gifts in Christmas wrap while half their friends are on vacation visiting grandparents. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. My birthday is tomorrow).
Anyways, enough about my childhood pain and on to how I'm inflicting the same wounds onto Jafta. I had absolutely no energy for a party. We offered him the Medieval Times option by showing him a You-Tube video of the jousting, and he readily accepted, even with the caveat that he could only bring ONE FRIEND. Those tickets are pricey! Lucky for us, his one friend (and his family) had won tickets in a raffle and so they all got to come with us.
Because I am cheap frugal, I did try to sneak in a flask, which I felt badly about, until I saw this guy:
I am 99% sure he had beer in that Camelbak system. The seperate water bottle was a bit of a giveaway - I mean, really, how hydrated does one need to be during a 90 minute show?
If you've ever been to the pre-show at Medieval Times, you know it's all just a really big ploy to get you to spend even more money. We arrived early just so I could spend extra time dashing the dreams of my children for not buying them more swords/costumes/scrolls/etc. We also got to watch several Rennaisance Faire regulars get knighted (an honorable status bestowed on anyone willing to shell out . . . you guessed it . . . MORE MONEY). I also got to have several character actors warn me, "My lady, you are not allowed to take photos in this area." Which is so authentic to the period, don't you think? To pay them back for their generosity, and further my streak of miserly tackiness, I decided I would just take my own picture of the photo they were trying to get me to buy. IS THAT ALLOWED, MY LADY??? Take that, suckas!
Jafta was so excited once we got into the arena. As soon as the knights were introduced, he started chanting "We will kill you" in this slightly possessed-sounding voice, that was disturbing and comical at the same time. It reminded me of the "I'm Starving" bit that Chris Farley did on SNL back in the day. Lay off me, I'm starving.
Knowing my track record with spillage, I had strategized before the show to try to make sure that this evening would be spill-free. I knew that I would have three uncontained children, and they made us hold Karis in our laps since she didn't pay the entrance fee. I had packed sippy cups and was trying to be vigilant when they served the hot soup. But pride comes before the fall, and at the top of the show the princess comes out and leads a little toast. India is so excited to see the princess, and so excited about the toast, that she upends an entire mug of Pepsi into my lap. This was not just a little spill. This was a whole mug's worth, seeping into my jeans. I rushed off to the bathroom and tried my best to dry it by performing a variety of yoga poses under the hand dryer, but my jeans were sopping wet. Then it dawned on me that I was two feet away from a wardrobe of wench costumes for sale. So in order to make the rest of the show bearable, I bought a hideous wench skirt and wore it for the rest of the night. India was thrilled with this, and stared at me like I was a celebrity for a good twenty minutes.
And no, I did not take a picture of it. But these kids were cute:
We were seated in the Black & White knight's section, and I don't want to sound judgey but he was kind of a loser. He was the first guy to get killed off! Fortunately the kids didn't seem to notice, because they were too busy eating chicken with their hands (also a major, major highlight for Jafta). I ordered the vegetarian plate, which came with hummus. Which I love, of course. In case you were wondering which part of this dinner warranted the $50 price tag, let me just tell you that it wasn't the dessert. Apparently McDonald's apple turnovers were very popular in the Byzantine era.
Jafta had a really great time, but Karis was loving it, too. She learned how to clap that very morning, and here she found herself in a room full of clapping people. I think she thought they were all there just to play this new clapping game with her. Every time the clapping commenced, she went crazy, laughing and clapping back.
Jafta had a really great time, and he and India have been sword-fighting ever since. I can't believe my little boy is five years old already! He is such a gift and brings so much fun to our family.
A Knight to Remember
class-o-meter
We've had a great week of merriment here at the Howerton house, and today we celebrated Jafta's 5th birthday. More details on that to come, including an explaination as to why I ended up wearing a "wench skirt" home from the show. But for now, a little fun with flasks.
Deciding to take a flask to Medieval Times to avoid paying $8 for rum & coke: -2 points
Having your husband tell you this is totally inappropriate, and then doing it anyway: -2 points
Event you are taking said flask to is a birthday party for a child: -10 points
Event you are taking said flask to is at 3:30 pm: -20 points
Flask is from Pottery Barn: +6 points
No funnel for the flask: -2 points
Using a Target medicine dropper as funnel: -2 points
Rum was purchased in the airport in Haiti: -4 points
Previously incredulous husband is the only one to actually use the flask: +10 points
Blogging about taking a flask to Medieval Times: -2 points
Being too tired to do the above math or establish credible baseline number to appropriately gauge how classy you are, since you already know the answer is NOT AT ALL CLASSY: -2 points
Conclusion: The $8 margarita was good.
2008
Our Fabulous, Fabulous Lives© Christmas Letter 2009
(best read by printing first)
Well, it’s that time of year again, and so much has happened since last year that it’s hard to know where to begin[1]. There is so much to tell about our Fabulous, Fabulous Lives© in this year’s Fabulous, Fabulous Christmas Letter 2009©. This year was especially Fabulous, as we welcomed a new presence into our lives that has changed our family for the better[2].
As I write this letter, Mark and I are sitting by the fire sipping our organic free-trade vegan mulled cider, reminiscing about our day. We spent the evening huddled around our glossy baby grand[3], singing Handel’s Messiah in four-part harmony. (Unfortunately, Karis was struggling with the alto part, but she was able to recite Luke 4 using Baby Signs[4]). Jafta concluded our evening with a stirring rendition of Silent Night on his dulcimer, and then he and India performed the pas de deux[5] from The Nutcracker. Just a typical night in the Howerton house.[6]
As we sit and reflect back on the year, I think it’s fair to say it was marked by some highs[7] and some lows[8]. The beginning of the year ushered in my third trimester of pregnancy, and any of you who know me well know that this was a season of great joy and expectancy[9]. On April 26th, we welcomed Karis Jade Howerton into the world,. We had a brief adjustment period,[10] but I can safely say that we have finally found our new baseline as a family of five.[11]
Shortly after Karis was born, my mother came for a visit, and then my sister and her family, and then my nephews stayed for a week. We’ve found that having a house full of visitors is a great way to acclimate to life with a newborn.[12] We also got to take a trip to Seattle to visit with Mark’s brother and family.
Of course, a year in the Fabulous life of the Howertons wouldn’t be complete without several trips to our favorite Caribbean vacation spot that we love to frequent[13]. Just thinking of the sights and sounds of that tropical island remind me of so many memories from the last 3 years.[14] Speaking of, I am sure you’ve noticed that our family photo is still missing our little boy from Haiti we’ve been trying adopt for so long. In last year’s Christmas letter, I jokingly said that if he wasn’t home by this Christmas, that I would need a straightjacket.[15] Thank goodness I am a patient, laid-back person who doesn’t mind ambiguity.[16] We are sending a photo of Keanan along with this letter. Would you set it somewhere in your house and pray for our adoption process when you see it? We could certainly use it. I am hopeful that next year our photobooth picture is a little more crowded.
Jafta had a great year being four. He continues to be our little renaissance man. He loves literature, wooden toys, sketching architecture, and going to his Mensa meetings[17]. He got the chance to play on his first baseball league, and let me tell you, the offers just came rolling in[18]. After a couple of games spent in the outfield, he decided that baseball was boring, and he’s now convinced that basketball is where the action’s at. He is big man on campus in the older preschool class, and the tallest in his class by far.
India got to join her brother at preschool this fall since she finally decided to lead a diaper-free existence.[19] She is enamored with all things princess right now, and doesn’t feel her day is complete until she has made at least six costume changes. She turned three in October with a High School Musical celebration, and we are happy to have one more child out of the terrible two’s.[20]
Karis is almost nine months old and her personality is emerging every day. We have her on a strict combination of Babywise and Attachment parenting.[21] We’ve figured out how to do her tummy time in a sling, and I feed her “on demand” at precise 3-hour intervals.[22]
Mark has continued to enjoy working as a therapist in private practice. It’s tough to talk too much about Mark’s work due to confidentiality stuff, but he’s had some interesting cases this year, helping out the marriages of some high-profile couples.[23] He loves his flexible schedule and spending time with the kids, and continues to enjoy golf.[24]
I have taken a little break from seeing clients during this season.[25] I’m still supervising a few interns and I will be teaching two classes in the grad psych department at Vanguard, but I prefer to spend my days doing traditional stay-at-home mom things.[26] I’ve also continued to dabble in writing for a couple online outlets. It’s nice when something you love can also pay the bills.[27] In my spare time, I also decided to train for a 1/2 marathon.[28] I’m running the Disney World half in January, and I’m raising money for an amazing ministry in Haiti.[29]
As always, we are grateful for your friendship and support, and thankful you’ve taken the time to read up on our antics[30]. We hope you have a wonderful New Year! ~The Howerton Family
[1] My focus group tells me this sentence is the best way to start a Christmas letter, because sounding busy = more Fabulous.
[2] Yep. That fancy blender from Costco is everything we had hoped for and more.
[3] An ancient, out-of-tune piano that has a ding on each key from being played with drumsticks by an anonymous percussion enthusiast in the house. Hint: also a spiderman fan
[4] Okay, not quite. But I swear I saw her give a fist pump when Russell won on So You Think You Can Dance.
[5] I had to google that word to know how to spell it.
[6] Actually, everything in that paragraph is a lie. It’s the middle of the day on a Sunday and I’m alone in my kitchen, having just threatened Mark with his life if he didn’t GET THESE LOUD KIDS OUTTA MY HAIR SO I CAN FINISH THIS FRIGGIN’ LETTER ALREADY.
[7] Trips to the beach, the snuggie, Judas Priest at the OC Fair, Susan Boyle singing that song from Les Miz
[8] Two kids in diapers, three six months of very little sleep, the flu (twice), Susan Boyle singing that song from Les Miz
[9]Panic , misery, back pain, and hormones
[10] How the heck will we fit all these kids in a Honda CRV? Or in a shopping cart, for that matter?
[11] Lowered standards, caffeine, earplugs, and boxed wine from Target
[12] Because after they all leave, that 1300 sq. ft. house that previously felt so cramped will feel like a sprawling mansion
[13] Haiti is technically in the Caribbean . . . right?
[14] Oh, the sense memory of bug spray, burning trash, and sweltering 80% humidity
[15] And that was a surprisingly accurate prediction of my current state.
[16] Stop laughing
[17] Okay, in actuality he loves sports, Transformers, guns, video games, and pretty much everything I’ve tried to
steer him away from.
[18] We got offers to sell raffle tickets, to sell pancake breakfast tickets, and to run the snack bar. Go team!
[19] At least on M/W/F mornings, that is. I’m not above lying on the preschool application to get a little “me time.”
[20] Although, so far our experience has been that 3 is the new 2. Or the new 13. Or the new Bipolar Disorder.
[21] Actual parenting technique we’ve employed with #3: Simmer down over there. I’ve got other kids to deal with.
[22] Oh man, these inside mommy jokes are funny to like THREE PEOPLE!
[23] But he would like to disclose that Tiger Woods was NOT one of them.
[24] Although, with the addition of the third kid, right now his enjoyment of golf usually involves watching it on tv.
[25] Because I spend enough of my time breaking up fights between family members, thank you very much.
[26] Putting a video on for the kids while I play on facebook
[27] And when I say blogging is paying the bills, I’m referring of course to the cable bill.
[28] Nope. That’s actually not a joke. But please try to look a little less surprised that I’m doing something athletic.
[29] Please check it out and consider supporting me. www.heartlinerunners.blogspot.com
[30] Hey Kristen, it’s Kanye. I’m gonna let you finish, but 2005’s Fabulous Fabulous Lives© was the best Christmas letter of all time!
gifted
When I was in grade school, I was placed in a gifted program. That experience (and the other students in that program) taught me two things about intelligence:
1. IQ can't buy you social skills
2. IQ can't buy you common sense
(It also taught me a lot about Dungeons and Dragons, but that's a story for another time).
I had what I called a "gifted moment" this week. I was getting a little crazy with the label maker, as I'm prone to do. (When life feels a little overwhelming, it's amazing the peace a clearly labeled pantry can bring). A friend of mine lost his iphone this week, and had someone return it, and I got the bright idea that I should make labels with my phone number for all of my gadgets. So I printed up a few labels and stuck them on my camera, my ipod, and my cell phone.
And I walked around with those labels for about a week, feeling pretty proud of myself, until today it dawned on my that I placed the number for my OWN CELL PHONE on my cell phone. So someone could call me in case I lost it.
Brilliant, don't you think?
germ management
About two seconds prior to snapping this picture, I discovered Karis licking the foot pedal of our trash can.
You know, with my first child, I was so diligent in trying to keep the germs at bay. I doused our hands in sanitizer, I wiped down shopping carts, I put any dropped pacifier into quarantine status until they could be properly boiled. Until one day, I found Jafta licking the bottom of a shoe I had removed. And then a few days later, came upon him chewing on the wheels of his stroller. And I realized that no matter how hard I try, these kids will find new ways to disgust me, and to ingest germs. My new philosophy: don't bother. It will all just build up their immune system, right?
I have found my kids chewing on some really gross things in my day, but this week Karis topped the chart when I found her gnawing on the (now soggy) rawhide strap of an African drum I bought by the side of the road in Zimbabwe. God only knows what kind of animal that skin used to be on, or how many people touched it, or how long it sat on the floor of someone's hut. Oh well.
Nowadays, when I'm in Target and I see a new mom using an antibacterial wipe on the shopping cart, I resist the urge to stop her and say, "Oh, honey. Stop. Just stop. THEY WILL WIN."
take a run on the wild side
Running can be an adventure. Here are some highlights from my run today:
1. While stretching at the beginning of my run, I bend over and find myself nose-to-nose with something glittery. What is this gray, shimmering little oval? A Christmas ornament? Oh, wait . . . no. It's a CRACK PIPE.
2. I usually run along a river jetty to the beach. A river jetty is a nice way of saying describing a giant sewer of wasting water that dumps into the ocean. It's also the prime spot for homeless people in Orange County. Today, I ran by a lot of poop. I don't think it was from a dog.
3. Halfway down the jetty path, I discovered that the water bottle attached to my belt clip had spilled all over my skirt. Shocking, right? My skirt was drenched, and it made it look like I had peed my pants. It didn't feel great, and I still had four miles to go.
4. At the underpass where the river jetty opens onto the sand, the trail was completely flooded. Which meant I either had to turn back, or climb up into the side of the bridge and scale my way along a 45-degree angle encampment. I scaled it, baby.
5. As I reached the packed sand, I found myself alone on a vast beach. Just me . . . and a guy wearing an orange jumpsuit. I assume he was one of the felons that gets driven over in a team from the prison to do beach cleanup. I'm not sure where his team was, or where the warden was, either. I do know that I ran a little faster than usual.
6. After passing the lone criminal, I had another stretch of solitude, until I came upon an old man in a trenchcoat who was yelling at the water. He was really, really angry with the sea this morning. When I ran back by him about 20 minutes later, he was still yelling.
7. I'd tell you about the randomly discarded condoms, but that is such a common sight on this route that it seems boring to even mention it.
8. I also passed by a plastic bag that had been washed up onto the shore, with a suspicious-looking powdery substance inside. But I came upon this several miles from where I saw the crackpipe. So, you know . . . BUMMER.
9. I decided to take a different route back up to the river trail, to try to avoid the flooded area. Instead, I found out that the trail did not continue up the other side of the jetty under the bridge. So I had to duck and crawl through a ditch that was about 3 feet high to get to the other side of PCH.
And, the most insane part of my run today:
10. When I left the house, I casually mentioned to Mark that it would just be a short run today. "I'll probably just do 5 or 6 miles," I heard myself saying. And I wasn't joking.
**Go read more about why I'm running at this post.
best foot forward
(This technique also works well when walking into church after a rushed morning.)
explaining Haiti
We've been in the process with Haiti for a long time now, and naturally our friends and family are checking in with us frequently to ask for updates. I love that people are with us in this journey, and concerned enough to be asking. I'm never quite sure how to answer, though, especially as people become frustrated and indignant on my behalf. Because aside from the "When is he coming home?" question, the most common follow-up questions I get are along the lines of, "Don't these people know he needs to come home/Don't they care/How could they do this to him/you?" This is the question that I have a hard time explaining. Here is me trying:
First of all, there are many, many people involved in the process of adopting a child from Haiti. In our case, the missionaries who work with the orphanage and who are processing our paperwork care very much. However, they are working within the limitations of a country with absolutely no infrastructure, that operates in a state of crisis even on the best of days. Imagine the DMV in the US. Then imagine that we went into that office, took away all the computers, the electricity, the air-conditioning, and half of the employees. And then we flung the files all over the floor, and restacked them in a corner, and then lined up 500 families holding a 250 page dossier that needs the stamps of 10 lazy and impossible to find government officials. Then you might have some inkling of what these people are up against.
So yes, those people do care. Now, the people working in the government office - do they care? It's hard to say. First of all, adoption is very misunderstood in Haiti. It is not a common practice. What the Haitians do understand, all too well, is the concept of a family taking in a child as a slave. The Restavek practice is extremely prevalent in Haiti, which is when an extremely poor family sends one of their children (or all ) to live with a wealthier family to perform household tasks in exchange for food and shelter. These children are often beaten and mistreated, and spend their days living like slaves and rarely get to attend school. It's an acceptable practice in Haiti because the mindset is that this child would not have survived without the arrangement. I would imagine that when families come from the US wanting to bring a child home to Haiti, that Haitians might assume that we are looking for our own live-in. I don't feel confident that many of the people approving our papers understand us to be a loving family who views Keanan as one of our own children. I can understand why the Restavek prevalence would make people less enthused about adoption, when they have never seen adoption as we know it.
In addition, Haiti is one of the most corrupt countries in the world. In the top ten at last count. I'm not gonna get into that whole thing on a public blog, but yeah. I'm sure it is affecting international adoptions (as it affects most systems in Haiti).
I also think that it is hard for Americans to understand just how bad things are in Haiti. I don't know that there is ever going to be an urgency to process adoptions from their government because, really, it's not their biggest fish to fry. Most of the children waiting to be adopted are living in missionary-run orphanages (or creches). Some of these places are great, some are appalling, but most are better than the conditions thousands of impoverished Haitians live in on a daily basis. For example, here is a picture of the kids at our orphanage (my guy in blue in the middle):
Now you juxtipose this with the reality that 20% of Haiti's children under age five are severely malnourished. Twenty percent. SEVERELY malnourished.a tale of two trips
eight confessions, each progressively worse
1. I went to see the vampire movie while I was in Florida
2. I went with my mom and tween cousin, who changed their mind at the ticket booth and opted for a more age-appropriate action flick. I went to the vampire movie without them.
3. During the previews, I noticed that all of the movies were definitely targeting teenage girls. With the exception of an upcoming flick about a middle-aged woman finding love again. I thought about who that target demographic was for. And then I wondered which one I fit into. And then I felt a little sad.
4. I'm pretty sure that I wore my hair EXACTLY like Jacob's in my senior class photo, and was distracted by this fact for a good portion of the movie.
5. I think I'm on Team Jacob, because pastey, brooding vampire boys wearing lipstick and glitter paint? Meh.
6. I made a mental note during the movie to download the soundtrack immediately because OMG BON IVER AND MUSE, YA'LL.
7. I thought the movie was pretty dull. Bad acting, no plot, poorly drawn characters, and don't get me started on the hair and makeup. I should have hated it. I did not.
8. I cannot freaking wait for Breaking Dawn.
