what I want you to know: life after rape

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. Today’s guest post is by an anonymous reader.

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I miss my life before I was a victim of rape. I don't want people to feel bad for me. I don't want people to think I'm weak. Because I am not weak. I am broken. I also hate being the ʺvictimʺ. I feel guilty about it. I feel like I could have done something to change my circumstance. I hate talking about it. I wont talk about it if I don't feel like God is moving me to do it. And that may be the only reason I'm doing that here.

I'm now a STRONG feminist. I haven't loved a man since that day. It's been two years and I haven't even dated anyone. I have no desire to date. I have guys that are my friends, but I want to punch the general ʺmenʺ population in the face. I want you to know that I got closer to God after this happened. But I want you to know that my relationship with God struggles because of this anger. I want you to know that I do sometimes blame God. I have realized that my pain towards men now translates to God at times. I want you to know that this breaks my heart.

I want you to know that rape victims are every place you go. People don't talk about it though. I want you to know that rape is one of the hardest things to talk about. I am a camp counselor and I've had girls share their testimonies with me. Then I would share mine. Then they would finish the rest of their testimony explaining that they too are rape victims. I want you to know that it hurts me to know that so many women are afraid to tell their stories. I want you to know that if you are a victim of rape, you are not alone. I want you to know that if you use the term ʺrapeʺ as a form of expression...for example ʺI totally RAPED that testʺ please stop. That's the equivalent to ʺthat's so GAYʺ. It's just wrong.


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