what i want you to know about being a potential birthmom and backing out of the adoption plan

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. Today’s guest posts is by an anonymous reader.

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I chose adoption for my child a while ago. During the pregnancy, I completely let the adoptive family in, I loved them to pieces. However, I chose to parent my child. Since parenting, I have experienced some very hurtful things from people. I have received some very ill emails, hate emails, and basic hate mail from people because of my decision. I endured some severe post partum depression and anxiety based on the fact of how much I loved the parents that I had picked out.

Everyone always says hurtful things that I broke their heart. I am tired of being attacked by people for hurting someone else. I did not intend on hurting anyone. I want people to know that everyone has feelings.

I completely miss the relationship that I had with the family I picked out for my child and hurt for them all the time. I went to a counselor and even had to be put on medicine. I would have vivid dreams that I gave birth to another child just to give it to them. It has NOT been an easy road for me since then.

I am the most kind hearted person, with no ill intentions in choosing to parent my child. I just don't know why people judge me. Yes, all of my kids have different fathers, but that does not make me a bad person. Life has thrown me some tough obstacles, but nobody understands that. I am just a bad mother to them (yes, this has been said) and don't deserve my children & definitely didn't deserve the one I was going to place.

I am not anti-adoption by any means, it is meant for some people and it can be a great thing. I just ask that people that have no idea what all a person is going through to have some compassion. This world is tough and I would have given my right arm to have someone give me props beside the anti-adoption world that what I did was the best for me and that everything would be okay.

Recently, I found out the family I chose is adopting again. The first thing I did was cry. I don't want them hurt ever again the way I hurt them. I want to just be there and I can't. It sucks. I just pray that the other woman who picked them does what's best for her and her child. But, in the back of my mind, I absolutely can't sleep thinking about them every minute of every day. Hoping that things go in their favor. I love them and always will, no matter if I am not a person in their life anymore. It just hurts how I feel. I wish more people would be understanding.

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