What i want you to know: what it feels like to be bullied

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. Today’s guest posts is by anonymous reader.

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Bullying is one of the most serious issue schools face today and it´s an issue that lies close to my heart because I have personal experience of bullying. I was bullied severely for 3 years during middle school and junior high school. The best words I have to describe being bullied are "a personal hell". Bullying is a hell on earth, a living nightmare. I have come a long way since I was bullied but I still suffer from the effects it had on me and I doubt I´ll be able to put it completely behind me. I have many friends who were bullied and I doubt any of us will ever heal properly from what happened to us.

Because of the bullying I´m a very introvert and shy person, keep people at arm´s length (except those closest to me), I don´t like big social gatherings (to the point of blatantly avoiding them), my social skills are awkward to say the least, my self esteem is so and so (although it´s improved immensely!) and I have constant fears and insecurities. I have friends that have suffered far worse effects than me, to the point of severe depression, self-cutting and harming, zero self-esteem or self-worth, constant social insecurities and many other terrible things.

Why was I bullied? I was bullied because I was different. I was a nerdy studious kid that loved classical music, I was shy and sensitive and very calm so I was a very passive personality, I played an instrument (a big NO in these days), I was mature beyond my peers, I expressed my thoughts out loud to myself, I loved reading (and was a total bookworm, I had very advanced reading level compared to my peers), I was rather clueless about pop culture and didn´t enjoy it but loved classical music and literature (I loved Tchaikovsky but not Britney Spears), I spoke in an old-fashioned way and used an old-fashioned vocabulary as well as enjoying old things, I knitted and sewed, I had very awkward social skills.

Some of my peers unfortunately took advantage of this and used it against me. Everything single thing I did was used as a reason to mock me and ridicule me. I could barely move without being taunted, given looks, laughed at to my face, bullied, ignored and ridiculed by my classmates, manipulated, physically attacked (once at least). It was a personal nightmare.

I started skipping school and feigning sickness at every opportunity. I ran away from school after having been bullied so severely I couldn´t stand it anymore (and this was in front of a teacher that did NOTHING!). I stopped practising my violin and concentrating in school so my grades plummeted, I was convinced I deserved this. I gave my family a very hard time, I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I spent every day feeling terrible, insecure, alienated and scared. I couldn´t walk down the street without feeling silly and scared, so afraid of that I´d meet someone, be bullied. I spent two years living a personal nightmare. Two whole years.

The final straw was the time when I was written about online. It was stated that me and a few of my friends (that were also bullied, one of them far worse than me) were nasty, ugly, terribly smelling, drooling, weird idiots and morons. This was written on a public blog that the whole school knew about and everyone could see this. I was verbally abused online.

After seeing this I didn´t attend school for two days. I refused to go, I just couldn´t handle it. I told my parents I didn´t want to face these kids. And when I faced them I felt terrible, absolutely terrible. But I had to face them, I couldn´t skip school. It was after this that I had to take a drastic measure that I´m convinced today that saved me.

I changed classes. The principal wasn´t sure at first but I believe it was obvious I couldn´t handle being in class with the bullies so I was allowed to change. I attended class with my best friends. It wasn´t an easy change and it took a while to settle in but I had to take this step in order to save myself. It was this or change schools. And it made a whole lot of difference to me.

After been verbally abused online, the bullying stopped. I don´t know why but it did (though I suspect the teachers had a hand in this). I could finally begin to enjoy school and slowly I started to piece myself together again. It took entire 9th grade for me to get my groove again and start feeling safe. 10th grade was the best year of my entire school life. I was starting to heal and piece together my self-esteem. I started to feel good about myself, matured a lot as a person, had wonderful friends and had many great experiences at my music conservatory. I have so many great memories from 10th grade. I still attended school with the bullies but I had risen above them. They didn´t bother me anymore.

After 10th grade I went unto a brilliant high school where I could enjoy being myself all the time, studied a lot, gained amazing friends, had great teachers and experienced so many wonderful things. I attended a brilliant music conservatory that to this day remains one of my most favourite places to be. I could finally enjoy life and it was amazing.

Right now, I have put a lot behind me and I have more strength that I did before. Being bullied left me in many ways weaker than I had been before and there are many things I fear today because of the bullying. The effects of it will never go away, never ever. I´ll always have those scars.
But being bullied also taught me that value of being different and putting it to good use. I am much more open-minded and respect peoples differences more because of the bullying. Now, how I´m different makes me proud. I gained more maturity.

I regularly wished I hadn´t been bullied. Especially at those times when my most vulnerable areas are exposed and I feel the scars open up again. Then I wish this had never happened. But I know I wouldn´t be where I am today, I wouldn´t be who I am today if it wasn´t for the bullying. I remind myself that if I hadn´t been bullied, would I be any happier than I am now, despite the bullying. I, after all have been blessed with many things.

Bullying is something NO person should ever have to encounter in their lives. Bullying is one of the most terrible things in today´s society. It wrecks lives and creates a personal hell. Bullying needs to be stopped NOW! It´s an issue that can´t be ignored - there are lives at stake. Bullying is a personal hell I wish upon no one. No one should have to experience living a nightmare every single day of their lives. Bullying has to be stopped, no matter the cost.

And I apologize for any spelling and/or grammar mistakes in this text (English is not my native language and I´m not an American :))



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