what i want you to know...marriage troubles

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. Today’s guest posts is by an Aria.



I'm not much of a writer. Never really have been. I'm also (probably) very very bad with grammar. It is what has stopped me so many times from writing and sending anything to Rage Against the Minivan. And then tonight, I read the post "Sue" sent in about forgiving her spouse.

I was sitting in my car at the time, in the cold garage of our apartment building, crying my eyes out. I had gone there to escape my life for a few minutes. And that's when I read the post. I cried and cried for what seemed like hours. It hit home to me, more than I ever thought anything would or could. You see, my life has made me just go numb.

I got married during college over 6 years ago. Things were great. And then we graduated. And things weren't so great. He started working longer and longer hours. Complained I wasn't supportive of him. I was drowning in responsibility because he refused to stop behaving like we were still in college. I had to be the one to remind him of our bills, to keep us on budget, to say no that we couldn't spend the money on xyz thing.

We fought. All the time. Then one day I found text messages on his phone. Late night messages from a coworker. A blonde former cheerleader, now working with him coworker. She was beautiful. I'm average on a good day. I was livid. I was hurt. I was upset. Why was he getting text messages from a female coworker at 2am???? And WHY was he responding? And WHY didn't I know about it?

He told me I was crazy and that it was all in my head and she was just a friend. She was a good friend. She was possibly even his best friend (funny... I thought I was.) She laughed at his jokes and told him how awesome he was. I told him it had to stop or we were done.

He grudgingly agreed. The late nights at work became the norm for him, The fights continued. One day, the fighting escalated. He threatened to leave the house. While fighting over the keys, he pulled them out of my hand and cut me. I lost it and slapped him.

He took his keys and left.

For 2 weeks. With not a word, no call, nothing. He just disappeared. I broke into his work email and found that he had (surprise) turned to her for help. He told her he couldn't be with me any more and he wanted a divorce. She, of course, told him it was a good idea and that he could stay with her.

I called and emailed and called - he picked up once. To say he wanted a divorce and that was it. I was friendless in the city we live in, no family and no support and completely alone. I reached out to our priest who met with him and mediated.

During those two weeks I spent christmas and new years on my own in our new apartment. While checking our phone bill, I found that he had texted her the entire 2 weeks he was gone.

Eventually he came back. With not much of an explanation. But promises of changing and working on our relationship. 1 month later he got fired from his job. His blonde friend had played him and moved in on his position. THAT is when he realized she'd used him.

He swore up and down nothing happened between them. He'd stayed with another coworker. He swore he just saw her as a friend regardless of what her intentions had been. I still felt incredibly betrayed. He apologized. I said I forgave him.

I lied.

3 years later, I am a SAHM with a 1 year old, still with no friends and no support and a husband who hasn't changed. I now do the budget completely. There are entire weeks where I go without ever seeing a single soul outside of my baby and husband.

Our relationship is strained at best and as we fight and fight now, I realize more and more that since the day he left and walked away with not a word to me... I've changed. I don't love who he is anymore. I resent him. I resent my life and I wish more than anything I'd never met him.

I've turned into my mother and am now staying in my marriage for my child. And every day, I die a little.

People tell me that I'm so lucky I get to be a SAHM, to be married to a man who is so gentle (see: passive aggressive).

I smile and say nothing. I want to tell them how hard it is to give up everything, to be unappreciated every single day. To always have to be the adult, to always be the one that is responsible. To never get a sick day, to get no understanding and with a one car family - have no life at all.

I've even found myself (on the really bad days) wishing I was good looking enough to have an affair. It would be the one time someone looked at me as other than a maid, laundry person, cook, mother, accountant, nag. Pathetic I know....

But tonight, I wish I could be as Sue was. Forgive my husband and move on. I could have, if he had changed. If he had grown up. If he had tried. But he just kept going as if nothing changed. So I did. I changed.....

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