What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. Today’s guest posts is by an anonymous reader.
I was in college, 22 years old, and a proud member of my coveted sorority. I was an outgoing social butterfly with tons of friends and a boyfriend who, at that time, I was swept up in.
One morning I woke up in January, as nausea as I could be, and for two days thought I was getting the flu. I don't remember when I thought to take the pregnancy test but I do remember when it came out positive I had no idea how I would tell my Dad. I came from a very Christian home, I was raised in the church, and I believed all my life that I was a Christian and everything in my life was fine. But I followed by own temptations, I walked the road I wanted, and I sought only after my own desires - I was a fraud.
My boyfriend at the time told me it was my decision, that he would support me in anything I wanted to do. In fact, he didn't even give me an opinion of what he wanted. When I told him I decided to have an abortion, he was relieved. He told me that was what he wanted but he didn't want to force that decision on me and he wanted it to be my decision. It was my decision, and such a selfish one. I was scared - terrified. I was scared of what my friends would think and say, what my sorority sisters would think and say, what the church members who knew my family would think and say, and mostly I was terrified of what my Dad would think. How I would disappoint him, how sad he would be. I never once thought about God. I was selfish.At the time one of the rare friends that knew of what was going on at the time told me to really think, because this would be something I may regret in the future. I remember actually thinking to myself, "No, I'll be fine, I won't regret it."
I do regret it. That one act in fact became my biggest regret, and my darkest secret.
Now, at 29, I am married to a wonderful loving husband (not the boyfriend at the time), currently trying to start a family. I understand that all my sins are forgiven, every one of them, and that God's grace covers me. I really do understand that. But it is still my biggest regret, and still my darkest secret. My husband knows, along with my 2 best friends and my sister, but it is still something I keep from my parents, from my dad, and from those close to me at church. While I think about him or her daily (I won't know on this side of heaven), this is one of the first times I have taken the time to tell or write out my story. I am so ashamed, and I am still terrified of the response.
I know that my story could help someone. I am working on allowing it to be known because I feel that God wants to use this as my witness, as my story, and I know he can turn this evil, selfish, and hated thing, into something good somehow for someone.
And for those of you who are willing to share your story, you help with that. When I read the previous story - "What I want you to know: Recovering after an Abortion" and saw the courage that author had by being willing to share, it gives me the motivation to do the same.
To you who share: Your stories pushes down part of the very high brick wall I have meticulously created in front of me. So, thank you for sharing. Thank you for being open, and honest, and know that God is using you in amazing ways - some you may never even know. I am so grateful for you and so grateful to God for giving me a 2nd chance, for not giving up on me, for loving me anyways, and for dying on that cross to redeem me when my punishment should be far greater than I'll ever have to experience.
Please, don't stay silent. Know that your story, your sharing, helps.