Let’s meet the boys of The Bachelorette

Tonight a new episode of The Bachelorette aired, and Andi from last season is looking for fairy-tale love with a bunch of guys. By all appearances, Andi seems to be a smart girl. She’s a District Attorney, she saw through Juan Pablo’s ridiculousness, and she comes off as smart and poised. But man . . . I’m really going to have to question her judgment after seeing last night’s episode, when she sent home an adorable surfer from California and kept the gym-rat Macklemore wanna-be with the roid-neck.

Photo May 19, 11 26 41 PM

I am so confused. Is this just an example of some regional difference in guy preference? Is the guy on the left more attractive to Southern girls? Because the minute I saw Cody pushing that limo, I was like, no. NO. RED FLAG NO. And the minute I saw Steven I was like, yes. YES. Cody seemed cocky and full of himself and like he spends more time on his appearance than I do. The hair, the orange skin, the kewpie-doll pompadour, the “look at my muscles” pose . . . NO. And Steven just seemed normal and laid-back and HOT. Why, Andi, whyyyyyyy??

Alright, let’s talk about those awkward limo introductions. This is my least favorite part of every season, because everyone is just so, so cheesy. So many gimmicks. So many desperate attempts to be clever and memorable. This is my face every time a guy steps out:

I was not very impressed with the intros. Approximately 2.5 men acted like normal human beings. The rest just seemed like they were performing a dude-bro monologue from freshman year acting class.

Alright, let’s talk about the guys.

Marcus

Marcus, 25, a sports medicine manager from Dallas, TX

Marcus seems nice enough. He’s well-traveled , easy on the eyes, and says he admires his mom in his bio.

Chris

Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA

Chris is a hunk of corn-fed man, but Andi is a city girl and he . . . is the opposite of that. I’m curious to see where this goes.

JJ

J.J., 30, a pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA

I think J.J. may be here form the wrong reasons. Like maybe he’s more into promoting his pants than he’s into girls?

Tasos

Tasos, 30, a wedding event coordinator from Denver, CO

Tasos had quite the involved intro schtick, with the lock and the story about travel. It seems a bit contrived and bossy to me, but she found it adorable. Apparently, in addition to planning weddings, Tasos also hopes to have a music career. Hmmmm.

Marquel

Marquel, 26, a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV

On a show that has shown ridiculous racial bias in casting, I’m always glad to see some contestants of color. Marquel seemed funny and cute, and the cookie thing was a creative way to break the ice in a laid-back way. And I’m still laughing that he “went there” with the black and white cookie. I hope he sticks around long enough to be considered as the next Bachelor so we can end this 20-something season run of I See White People.

Cody

Cody, 28, a personal trainer from Chicago, IL

He is the dude-broiest dude-bro I’ve ever seen.

Steven

Steven, 30, a snowboard product developer from Encinitas, CA

You have my final rose, Steven from SoCal.

Rudie

Rudie, 31, an attorney from Long Beach, CA

This guy seemed cute and nice and sincere. No clue what she sent him home.

Patrick

Patrick, 29, an advertising executive from Newport Beach, CA

I thought his soccer-ball schtick was a bit humble-braggy. He seems a little full of himself.

Jason

Jason, 35, an urgent care physician from Sturgeon Bay, WI

Poor Jason, with hair that looks like Lord Farquaad from Spamelot/Thor/Martha Stewart. That hair may be awesome in Wisconsin, or in 1993, but not in LA in 2014.

 

Nick V.

Nick V., 33, a software sales executive from Chicago, IL

Nick seemed laid-back and self-deprecating, and Andi found that endearing enough to give him her first impression rose. I liked him, but in the previews it looks like he has some drama with the other guys.

 

Dylan

Dylan, 26, an accountant from Boston, MA

Dylan got a little tongue-tied introducing himself to Andi, but it ended up being cute and kind of hot because he is hot and also because he is hot.

 

Emil

Emil, 33, a helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, CA

First of all, WHY does he pronounce his name in a way that sounds so much like ANAL??  Emil. Anal. In my world these words do not rhyme. Also, I just couldn’t shake finding his face so familiar every time he was on the screen. I kept trying to place who he looks like and couldn’t figure it out, and then I noticed he’s from my town which is not that big. Do we go to the same juice bar? Does he go to my church? Does he work out at the Y?? It’s going to bug me until I figure out how I know him.

 

Brett

Brett, 29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA

I think Brett the hairstylist and J.J. the pantsapreneur would make a lovely couple. THERE I SAID IT.

 

Craig

Craig, 29, a tax accountant from Denver, CO

This guy. He got out of the limo, shook up a bottle of champagne like he was auditioning for an extra role in a frat house movie, and then SET IT ON THE GROUND instead of offering some. Classy move, dudebro.

 

Ron

Ron, 28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN

I’d like to be more excited about Ron than I am.

 

Bradley

Bradley, 32, an opera singer from Holland, MI

At some point, I predict Bradley will sing opera to Andi and I will watch it with cringe-face through my fingers. Pro-tip, performers everywhere: No one wants to be put on the spot while you do a one-man show standing a few feet away. No one wants that.

 

Josh B.

Josh B., 29, a telecommunication marketer from Denver, CO

I thought Josh won for having the least douchey intro. He didn’t have a gimmick, he just introduced himself sincerely and said how glad he was that it was her. But then he won for having the most douchey exit. “I didn’t even want to do this! I don’t care. This place is dead anyway!” Still, I was pretty surprised he got sent home. But also relieved, because it’s one less Josh to keep straight.

 

Nick S.

Nick S., 27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL

People from Kissimmee are the worst.

 

Brian

Brian, 27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA

I literally have no memory of this guy but the ABC website tells me he was there.

 

Andrew

Andrew, 30, a social media marketer from Culver City, CA

Andrew is cute but he came off as a lil’ cocky.

 

Mike

Mike, 29, a bartender from Alta, UT

Clearly Andi is not a fan of the long hair, as she sent all of the boys with bobs home. But she kept all of the faux-hawks, which are a bigger offense on grown men in my book.

 

Eric

Eric, 31, an explorer from Citrus Heights, CA

Eric seems like he led a fascinating life.

 

Josh M.

Josh M., 29, a former professional baseball player from Atlanta, GA

Andi said this guy was “her type” but his over-groomed eyebrows freak me out. Also, we know he’s a former pro baseball player, but what does he do now? I’d like to know your future goals, young man.

Alright, that’s the round-up. In the absence of Steven, my favorites are Marcus, Marquel and Dylan. But I can’t say I know who Andi would choose . . . her taste confuses me.

Who gets your first impression rose?


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