An open letter to criminals about our current vacation status

We are currently in Florida visiting with friends and family for a week and a half, and I've had some concerned messages from well-meaning blog readers about the wisdom of posting about the fact that our home is empty. I guess you're not supposed to mention when you go on vacation on the internet. You know, in case some would-be criminals are reading and decide to rob your house while you are gone.

Well, just in case someone is tempted to burglarize our house sometime in the next week or so, here is a disclaimer and some highlights of our valuables:

- Everything in our house is likely covered in trace amounts of urine.

- My laptop is missing the escape key and the right shift key. It has also had water spilled directly on the keyboard and the letter W sticks because a crumb of food is lodged under the key.

- Our television is in the living room. The tube is going out so the screen displays about five inches of white lines across the top of the picture. We've found that you don't really need to see the top of most movies. The DVD player is broken, as is the VCR, though there may be an old bagel inside the VHS slot. There is a computer under the tv that doesn't work. Don't forget to take all four remotes - you will need that many to operate the tv due to each being broken in it's own special way.

- There are two 2nd generation ipods in the house. They are both in Jafta's room. Neither works without being plugged in. They are primarily loaded with children's books on tape and broadway soundtracks. I hope you like musicals.

- All of our DVD's are in the armoire under the tv. I hope you like musicals.

- All CD's are stored in the garage. I hope you like musicals.

- My jewelry is kept in the bedroom. There are about 12 plastic necklaces from H&M and Forever 21, and a few Mardi Gras beads that I didn't earn the old-fashioned way.

- The cars are in the driveway, and they are fully insured. If you get hungry, there should be enough goldfish on the floor to feed you for several days. 

- The only cash in the house is in the kids' piggy banks. But please tuck a couple coins under my daughter's pillow before you go. She lost her tooth the night before we left and I forget to play tooth fairy. 

- My husband owns several Oakley golf shirts. That's right. They're Oakley. And they are golf shirts. PLEASE TAKE THEM. They are in the miniscule closet in the bedroom.

Enjoy!



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