What I want you to know about the narcissist, patriarchy, and me

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here.  Today’s guest post is anonymous.

My story is absolutely, completely linked to where we are as a country. As it always was. As all of our stories are. The difference, for me, is that my story is now shown on a minute-by-minute recap via the news, conversation, internet, social media.

I was married to a narcissist. I am a closeted feminist who grew up believing I could be anything. Do anything. I have two degrees, a successful career, my own business. But I also toed the line. Don’t say anything to rock the boat. Don’t be controversial. Be nice. Compromise. Wait your turn.

And I married a narcissist who robbed me of 10 years of my life. And I let him.

And so when our country has evolved to the point where we decide it is okay to put forth a narcissist as a leader of the country, I am reliving my abusive marriage on a daily, minute-by-minute basis.

And it’s been a quiet torture. I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried not to scream at the top of my lungs “HE’S GASLIGHTING YOU ALL.” I’ve shook my head as one lie after another falls on deaf ears. You see, I’ve been there. I get it. I sympathize. He’s saying some things you believe. So you nod your head and ignore the 98% of the other things he says. You ignore his actions. His history. You believe the lies you want to believe. Because part of you is desperate to be heard and seen.

I mentioned to a girlfriend, about 9 months ago, when he started to gain prominence that we were witnessing the end of patriarchy. And I still believe it. The longer he stays on stage, the more material we have to work with. But it doesn’t make it any less painful. Triggering. Staggering.

The reward? We will have our first female president. She may not do the job we all want. But I find it completely disgusting that we are punishing her for working within the machinery we have created. Of course politics is corrupt. It always has been. But because she’s a female, we decide to attack the machinery we all built and blame it on her?

A part of me finds the past year fascinating. A bigger part, the part who had to finally go on anti-depressants and increase my therapy appointments and recognize that I’m still trying to heal after almost 3 years from leaving an abusive relationship, wishes we could have been a bit more civil about the end of patriarchy. But I guess it needed to rupture and blow apart. It was never going to go quietly.

I’m looking forward to the healing.

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