Ironies of all ironies, ten years ago, I had just settled down with “the one” after some wild years and although we waited to sleep together till 3-4 months into our relationship, the first time we had sex, I got pregnant. I was on the pill. I took it religiously. It failed.
I remember my symptoms before I realized I was pregnant- I slept all day, I craved meat, I was ravenous. Then I took the test and that’s when I became nauseous.
For two days I kept it in, then I finally shared with my then boyfriend. I was 25, in a new relationship with a man I knew to be the one and I knew my decision, I just didn’t know what he would want- he had been adopted.
When I told him I was pregnant he hugged me and cried with me. When I told him my plans to abort, he hugged me closer. He agreed with my decision and made it clear it was my decision. We talked hypotheticals, but nothing gave us the peace we desired like abortion did. I struggled over that sentence. It sounds selfish and cruel, and yet I have never thought of our decision as selfish, but rather prudent.
I had always been pro-choice and always thought “I’ll never have an abortion as birth control”, but here I was, doing just that. But once my decision was made, it was made and I felt absolutely at peace.
And thankfully, absolutely thankfully, I have felt at peace everyday since. I kept track in the early years, I’d be this many months pregnant, our baby would be this old, etc. but eventually the need to remind myself faded.
The boyfriend and I married and we started a family on our terms. We have a daughter, and when it’s age appropriate, I plan to share with her that I had an abortion, so she knows her options and that she knows her mother isn’t perfect. And so she knows birth control isn’t 100%.
I don’t wear my history like a badge, but I am not ashamed either. Those who needed to know, or those we needed to share with know, but otherwise it’s just not discussed. I feel for those women and families who are haunted by their decisions and I pray for them peace. This wasn’t a decision made lightly, but it was the right one for us and a decision we are absolutely at peace with.